Straight man afraid to watch Eurovision

AN INSECURE heterosexual man is too scared to watch Eurovision because it is so camp, it has emerged.

Despite claiming to be perfectly comfortable in his sexuality, Tom Booker will consciously avoid watching the Eurovision Song Contest and instead busy himself with traditionally masculine tasks.

Booker said: “I’m not afraid of Eurovision, what sort of wimp’s afraid of Eurovision? I just happen to have important manly things to do today, like looking at power tools on Amazon.

“It’s only a bunch of performers expressing uninhibited solidarity via the medium of flamboyant singing. It’ll take a bit more than that to terrify a big burly bloke like me. Now excuse me, I have to go change a tyre with a welding torch.”

Booker’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “The one time Tom watched Eurovision he instantly broke out in an anxious sweat, then he started overcompensating by ogling the Swedish contestant’s breasts and telling me ‘you don’t get many of them to the pound’.

“By the end of the night he was cowering behind the sofa and flicking through an old issue of FHM, and when we turned in he made me check under the bed for Graham Norton.

“This either means he’s in the closet or he’s been totally poisoned by toxic masculinity. As his partner, I’m not sure which is worse.”

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We must help those least impacted by the cost of living crisis, pledges Johnson

WITH the poorest struggling to put food on the table, it’s imperative that we slash taxes for the nation’s highest earners, writes Boris Johnson.

When Rishi came into my office to tell me that there’s a terrible problem with the squeezed middle, I thought another button had popped on my trousers. Thankfully though, he was just talking about ordinary people falling into poverty.

However, he’s right that this cost of living crisis is causing difficulties. People who normally vote for me without thinking are  – like the bottom of Matt Hancock’s new bit of totty – starting to feel the pinch. This is bad.

Partly for my polling numbers, but mainly for my donors. Hedge fund managers, oil barons and oligarchs are all seeing their massive profits eaten into by this issue. How will Carrie get a new £5,000 sofa if I piss these guys off?

Yes, ordinary working people are struggling with their heating bills. But think of the poor executives of the energy companies whose dividends will be slashed because the plebs can’t pay up. It’s disgraceful.

What can be done to help them? No, not the poor. Stuff them if they didn’t have the foresight to be born into wealth. Anyway, they waste what money they have on Sky TV and lip fillers. That’s what the Daily Mail says anyway, which is where I do my research about the electorate.

No, what can be done to help the UK’s struggling millionaires and billionaires? It’s imperative, for the health of this nation, that we slash income tax on the highest earners.

We politicians are forced to sometimes make unpopular choices. Luckily I have the comfort of knowing that even when I do, for some reason you gullible fools will just vote me in again. Bloody idiots.