Taylor Swift announces release date for re-recording of Countdown to Extinction by Megadeth

TAYLOR Swift has announced that she is dropping her long-awaited re-recording of Megadeth’s seminal heavy metal album, Countdown to Extinction, at 6pm on 6th June. 

Swift has already re-recorded Red and Fearless from her own back catalogue, and has decided that the experiment went so well that she is branching out into the back catalogues of heavy metal acts.

Label executive Helen Archer said: “Fans were expecting a re-recording of her Grammy award-winning 1989, but Taylor loves to surprise them.

“And by re-recording this seminal Megadeth classic, featuring classic tracks Symphony of Destruction and Sweating Bullets, she’s once again confounded the industry with a distinct, but not entirely unexpected, departure from her previous work.

“She’s dropped plenty of hints, including being seen out and about with blow-dried hair resembling Dave Mustaine’s flowing mane and the appearance of the band’s skull-in-a-metal-visor mascot Vic Rattlehead in the All Too Well video.

“Some of her younger fans might be a bit taken aback, but Taylor is confident that real Swifties can follow her from country to pop to indie-folk to thrash metal and then to her true passion, acid jazz.”

Archer confirmed that the move means that Swift now owns Megadeth’s back catalogue in its entirety and will earn 100 per cent of all publishing royalties from it.

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Angry Putin to appear on Lorraine

A THOROUGHLY pissed-off Vladimir Putin is to reach out to Western nations for compromise by appearing on Lorraine, he has confirmed. 

Following in the footsteps of other celebrities who have used the much-loved celebrities’ couch to clear their names, Putin plans to explain that this whole crusade to paint him as the bad guy is nothing more than a misunderstanding.

A Kremlin source said: “Putin will initially put up a bit of a front, acting the hard man to disguise the hurt inside. But under Lorraine’s soft-spoken Scots questioning he will soon crumble.

“He will confess that he is defensive because he feels the G7 looks down on him, and he is too insecure for democracy because what if the Russian people choose someone else?

“And he will explain that the invasion of Ukraine only seems bad because he is the target of cruel social media trolls. He will tearfully blurt out that perhaps he did the wrong thing but he was under tremendous pressure, like Little Mix’s Jesy Nelson.

“His warm-hearted host will naturally see his side of the story, comfort him, and suggest that perhaps if Ukrainian resistance fighters have been watching it might change quite a few minds.

“Then she will link over to Holly and Phil on the This Morning sofa, where Alison Hammond is exploring the crucial issue of whether flares are back.”