Taylor Swift: 'I have noticed some of your parents still have money. So I have released a film'

IT has come to my attention that despite my concerts, my vinyl and my merch some of you have not yet exhausted your parents’ resources. I have a new film out.

It is a film of my tour, opening in cinemas this weekend, and your children want to see it. How much can that be? Nine of your English pounds, you imagine? Oh no.

No, this film is a Taylor Swift film, you see, so it costs £20. That’s twice as much as a regular film, justified by the sublime privilege of seeing me perform for three exhausting hours.

Going with two daughters? That’s 60 quid you won’t be seeing again. Unfortunate enough to have a daughter with an October birthday? You could be down £200.

Still, that’s cheaper than two tickets to see the greedy sow on tour, you mumble darkly as you hand over the cash. Oh, sweet guileless Britain, is it any wonder you’re home to so many of my naive boyfriends?

Do you not know that I am yet to tour your country? That your children, perhaps even yourself, will only be whipped into a frenzy by my expertly-shot movie? Do you not know my marketing is as precise as a military campaign?

After this they’ll demand tickets. You’ll be scouring Britain for the privilege of paying £800 to see something you’ve already seen, robotically live and with a far worse view. You will pledge a monthly tithe just to touch the hem of my sparkling raiment.

This is my era. Would you not be part of it? Would you condemn your children to be outsiders even unto their old age? No.

And 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is released on October 27th. You get paid then, right?

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Your invaluable guide to whether someone is out of your league

TRYING to pull someone out of your league leads to humiliation and heartbreak, but aiming too low makes you feel cheated. Here’s how to tell if a shag with a hot person is realistic.

Do they have a glaring personality defect?

While another attractive person would consider this bad, it lessens their desirability and increases your chances. Being mind-numbingly boring, having a passion for taxidermy, liking opera – all of these are desirable traits in a hot potential shag. Just don’t be too blinded by lust. If they want you to get matching Britain First tattoos, find someone a bit plainer.

Are they surrounded by admirers?

In pubs and clubs, gorgeous individuals can find themselves literally surrounded by losers trying to dive in with their crap chat-ups. Give up immediately. It’s weirdly menacing and the other twats won’t succeed anyway. You at least have the self-awareness to know you’re not going to pull a Milla Jovovich clone by shouting drunkenly in her ear about her favourite type of cheese.

Do you get a strong feeling you’re wasting their time?

Distractedness, a glazed expression and constantly texting someone else while laughing fondly are all subtle signs that you’re frankly just a nuisance, like a wasp at picnic. And with an equal chance of getting a blowjob.

Do they resemble someone famous?

If the object of your affections resembles a famous person, you can decide if they’re out of your league by categorising them with this unisex rule of thumb:

● Margot Robbie, Chris Hemsworth, Taylor Swift – no f**king chance.

● Jeremy Hunt, Emily Maitlis, Rory from Doctor Who – worth a punt.

● Suella Braverman, Terry from Brookside, Princess Fiona (green version) – get your coat you’ve pulled.

Do they keep saying things you don’t understand?

Not in the sense of being so pissed they can’t talk, that’s more your thing. No, are they clearly much more intelligent than you? Look out for conversational red flags like ‘Have you read much Schopenhauer?’ or ‘I need to prep for the symposium in Zurich’. They won’t shag you now or ever because a relationship with you would be like owning a pet rock. 

Do they dress sexily?

Items of clothing like tight leather trousers and any outfit people refer to as ‘daring’ mean they’re fit and they know it. However if they turn up to a meeting dressed like Daisy Duke or an anime schoolgirl, they may just be mental. Don’t go there, unless you’re into conversations about reincarnation or whatever total madness they’re bound to believe in.

Do they look at you like a rat?

Looking at you with contempt and revulsion associated with vermin strongly suggests you are not attractive enough by their standards. Fair enough, and they’re probably a narcissistic pain in the arse anyway. It could have been worse – they might have looked at you like dogshit. You’re officially better than dogshit, so move on with your head held high.