THERE is a new Banksy out there, and if you can smash the wall it’s on and get the bits home, you’ll be a millionaire! These are the rules:
1: Watch out for heavy irony
As Brits, we’re naturally attuned to irony. Set those antennae bristling looking for a particularly graceless example, for example turning street furniture into greetings-card sentiment. Turn to where you’re cringing most and walk that way.
2: Be alert for lack of artistry
Many graffiti artists, especially those allowed to gentrify rough areas of major cities, really know their way around a spray-can. They produce four-storey fantastical images of cities in bottles. Ignore all that shit. You’re looking for a stencil, one colour, often with a simplistic slogan. If something delights you aesthetically, that’s not a Banksy.
3: Follow the cooing
Metropolitan liberal types will be first to the Banksy but, conditioned by a lifetime in art galleries, won’t touch it. Instead they will stand and admire it. When you’re close, cock an ear and zero in on the cooing they involuntarily produce when viewing approved art. Hurry.
4: Get out your power tools and knock the f**king wall down
Elbow the bastards out of the way and get that wall removed. Don’t slow yourself down by considering ownership, what’s on the other side, whether it’s load-bearing or any of that shit. Get the Banksy in as few pieces as possible and get it in your van.
5: Put it back together and compare it to the photograph
Once you’ve got the rubble home, reassemble. Is it trite? Does it carry a glaring political message? Does it match the photo on Instagram? Has it been authenticated by the Pest Control Office, or is it a load of bricks and plaster with traces of paint on?
6: Repeat until rich
Got the wrong one? Get out there and knock even more walls down. Leave nothing standing. Remember, anything could be a Banksy. Only when your home city is levelled and you’ve discovered this one was in Marseille can you rest while calling him a ‘posh Bristol wanker’.
