Television now just naked posh men coming out of lakes

TELEVISION is now just a parade of muscular posh men striding manfully out of lakes, it has been confirmed.

Following the success of BBC One’s War and Peace and Naked Posh Men in a Lake and ITV’s Grantchester: The Case of the Gratuitous Lake Scene, channel bosses have decided to broadcast purely broad-shouldered public school males emerging onto riverbanks.

A BBC spokesman said: “There will no longer be programmes as such, just a looped clip of a brooding man with tasteful body hair emerging from a body of water and picking up some sort of period costume from a tree branch.

“Viewers will be treated to a brief shot of his cock and balls.”

ITV will also featured a full schedule of tousle-haired former public school boys sploshing towards the camera, as well as comic relief in the form of Ant and Dec’s Tiny Lakeside Penises.

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Man thinks anything he doesn’t understand must be easy

A MAN’S simple-minded ignorance has left him convinced that everything from teaching to programming a computer is easy.

Lettings agent Wayne Hayes’ simplistic view of most things means he is frequently astonished by people claiming they are difficult or wanting to be paid more for doing them.

Hayes said: “Teachers are always saying how hard it is, but it’s just telling people stuff. Once you’ve done it for a few years you probably know all the sums off by heart anyway.

“Okay, there’s other stuff like discipline, but if I was a teacher I’d just say, ‘You’re 11 and I’m 35 so do me an essay about Hitler or I’ll kick your fucking head in.’ How hard can that be?

“Or look at films. The Revenant was good, but in principle it’s no different to me videoing my cousin’s wedding, and that came out fine apart from all the dark bits.

“Computer programming is the real con. It’s mainly typing in random numbers. You need an idea first, like ‘spreadsheets’, or ‘space’ if it’s a game.”

Other activities Hayes has failed to grasp the complexity of include flying a helicopter, running a pub and being a barrister, which he has described as “tricking people into saying they done it”.