Thanks Pixar, say little shits

EVIL children have thanked Pixar’s Inside Out for putting the blame on cartoon characters.

Nine-year-old miscreant Julian Cook said: “I thought Inside Out out would be a boring girls’ film, but the idea that I’m somehow a puppet of animated characters representing my emotions really appealed.

“Yesterday I set fire to a garage, because ‘the cartoon voices in my head told me to do it’.

“I’ve decided there’s a character in my brain called Destroy Everything, he looks like a grapefruit and he tends to win out over Kindness or whatever the lame angel one is called.

“Destroy Everything is friends with another character called Harm Insects, who is fully responsible for what happened yesterday with the bees’ nest.

“Dad was furious but he knew he couldn’t argue with the complex morality of a Pixar cartoon.”

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Sewel revelations ‘a tad vicarious’, confirm Britain’s older men

MILLIONS of older men have been nodding vigorously at the Lord Sewel sex and drugs scandal.

The 69 year-old has resigned as deputy speaker of the House of Lords aftter being filmed allegedly taking cocaine with prostitutes, causing Britain’s older men to gaze out of the window and smile.

Julian Cook, a retired surveyor from Hatfield, said: “I wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to find cocaine and prostitutes. This is why we need the House of Lords.

“I need to know that otherwise dull, elderly men are out there snorting coke and banging call girls like my hero, John Belushi.”

Martin Bishop, 63, from Stevenage, said: “I’ve watched the video and he’s clearly having a fantastic evening. All this horrible press coverage risks depriving him of some very happy memories. Stop it at once.”

Meanwhile, dozens of peers are trying desperately to contact their regular prostitutes and coke dealers to make sure everyone is still ‘on board’.

One member of the Lords said: “I’m just a guy doing my thing, but now I face being splashed all over a tabloid, accompanied by some ghastly, tortuous pun.”