The animals weren't doing anything, and other mental complaints people have about zoos

BEEN to the zoo recently? Then you may have made some of these complaints about animals that have been caged for your viewing pleasure.

Why are they asleep in the day?

Some animals are nocturnal or have a different circadian rhythm from a family of four from Nailsworth, meaning they might be asleep when you visit. However, you feel aggrieved that this selfish animal’s basic biology has messed up your weekend. The least the zookeepers could do is zap it awake with a cattle prod.

They don’t do much

You’re pissed off that the animal is lying down doing nothing. Have you mistaken the zoo for a travelling Victorian circus? What were you expecting, a dancing bear on a chain? Despite the fact that forcing a bear to dance is a cruel practice that is now illegal, you secretly feel it would offer better value for money.

They shouldn’t clean their cages now

So you’ve arrived to find that the zoo’s star attraction, a lion, isn’t in its enclosure as it’s being cleaned. Rather than accepting that, like most living creatures, this lion doesn’t want to be trapped in a confined space with its own piss and shit, you decide to moan about wasting your £20 admission fee.

Why are they so difficult to spot?

You went to the reptile house and couldn’t see the chameleon? Well, some animals’ whole schtick is that they are extremely well camouflaged. You don’t like this incredible feat of nature, though, and write a complaint letter suggesting they are spray-painted bright yellow to improve your next visit.

You have to walk for ages

Zoos are, usually, massive. This is to ensure that the animals have enough space and don’t end up pacing miserably or tearing each other to shreds. However, you’re finding the gentle stroll around tiring and would prefer it if they put all the animals in one big pit and offered you a chair to watch the ensuing carnage unfold.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five good pets for children in order of how long they'll last

ARE your annoying children endlessly pestering you for a pet? Here are five options in order of how soon they’ll croak.


A dog is a big commitment which your child will tire of after a month, leaving you picking up shit every day for the next 16 years. However, it will always be affectionate and pleased to see you, which is more than can be said for your kid, so you will inevitably end up loving it more than them.


Rabbits look cute from a distance, but up close they’re aggressive little bastards that will kick you viciously the moment you pick them up. They live in the garden and won’t stink out your house, but that could mean having a massive run f**king up your lawn for up to eight years. Unless a fox mysteriously gets in through a hole in the mesh one night.


These small, sweet animals are perhaps the perfect pet, as they’re cheap and low maintenance. However, it’s worth considering the psychological cost because while they theoretically live for two years, they’re likely to die after as little as six months, meaning you’ll be stuffing a rigid little rodent into a small box and reading a solemn eulogy while your weeping children bury them in the vegetable patch twice a year.


Goldfish have such short lifespans that they might not even survive the trip back from the pet shop. If they do, stick them in a bowl, change the water if you can be arsed and sling some food in now and then. Simple. Also, it’s hard for children to bond with a fish so there won’t be a fuss when it’s dead. Just flush it down the loo and get another one. They won’t even notice.

A garden pet

This is something your children find in the garden, put in a jar and then leave on top of the radiator until it shrivels up and dies. Very little effort needed by them or you. Also works with seaside animals. If that crab expires on the way home, just sling it out the window when you hit a B-road. Easy.