Couple with newborn vow they'll stay cool and fun and deluded

A COUPLE have sworn that their newborn baby will not change their cool, fun, and completely out of touch with reality personalities.

First-time parents Joshua Gardner and Lucy Parry have promised each other that the responsibility of raising a baby human being will have zero impact on their hip, carefree lifestyle and stupidly naive outlook on life.

Gardner said: “Having a baby was tough in olden times like the 90s, I get that. But these days you can plonk it in front of an iPad and carry on with business as usual.

“I expect Lucy and I will be able to keep going to warehouse raves and getting coked up to our eyeballs. So long as we bring the baby monitor with us everything will be fine.”

Parry said: “Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to sell out and learn about boring things like life insurance or school catchment areas. In fact you probably don’t have to change yourself at all.

“Incidentally, when I grow up I want to be a best-selling author and a pop star and live in a castle. I’m 34.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “I think I’m about to witness the world’s first 90 degree learning curve.”

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Six fun weekend plans you'll come to regret when the day arrives

SCHEDULING in some weekend fun is a great idea until you have to see the plan through. Here are the activities you’ll hate yourself for when doomsday arrives.

Hosting a dinner party

Seems great, until you realise you’ll have to spend Friday night cleaning your disgusting house and Saturday hemorrhaging money at the supermarket and battling to cook a three-course meal for people with six different dietary requirements. Sunday will be nothing but dishwasher after dishwasher load with a thumping hangover as your reward. 

Visiting the in-laws

You never see your in-laws and with good reason: they’re bastards. But you feel obliged to make the effort at least once a year and May is a really long way off. Except it’s not. Before you know it you’ll be on the stopper train to Bolton wondering why you inflicted two days of passive aggression and disappointing biscuits on yourself. 

A night out at the theatre

A musical or a pretentious serious play, a comedy or a dance extravaganza – they’re all a big chunk of your precious weekend. You’ll regret it even more when you find you’re more excited about the overpriced sweets you bought in the interval than the show itself. And don’t forget you’ve got a rushed 5pm dinner in an Italian chain restaurant to dread beforehand as well.

Brunch with friends

Seems like such a lovely idea until you realise you’ve got to set your alarm on a Saturday morning. And then everybody turns up a bit late and a bit stressed and there are no tables at any of the places where you actually wanted to go. You’ll soon be bloated, tired and not pissed as you’d hoped, and it won’t even be midday.

Family time

There’s nothing like scheduled fun as a family, right? Wrong. Nothing ruins a weekend as comprehensively as your children, so expect them to moan, sigh and go on about needing the toilet on a nature walk or trip to a museum. You’ll soon be wishing you’d just let them spend 48 hours on their iPads like a normal weekend. 

No plans

You can leave a gap on the calendar to be at home and unwind and just do nothing. But come Saturday lunchtime you’ll be restless and bored and will start panic-texting friends, who are all busy seeing through their plans they wish they hadn’t made. You’ll end up being cornered into a boxset marathon that leaves you disorientated and empty inside.