The bands you loved as a teenager who are knobheads now

DID you unduly respect certain bands as a youth, but now have a sneaking suspicion they were knobheads? Here are some that look like twats with hindsight.

The Stone Roses 

Classic first album, but the incredibly bigheaded Roses forgot you had to write another one. ‘Fools Gold’ is a decent track, but five years to make it? It’s the work equivalent of taking two weeks to replace a print cartridge. Then came Ian Brown’s anti-vax bullshit, firmly establishing him in the pantheon of rock knobheads, alongside Roger Daltrey. 

Bob Dylan

Not a band, but Dylan was in bands, and ideal for the slightly pretentious teenager. He was, like, really deep, right? Now, years later, you desperately want him to learn to sing properly and stop torturing that harmonica.

Led Zeppelin 

Supremely talented, hugely innovative, and bellends. They probably didn’t do sex things with a tied-up groupie and a mudshark/red snapper, but they did produce countless tunes on the theme of faeries and Satanic bollocks. Jimmy Page bought Aleister Crowley’s house, because: ‘A man was beheaded there, and sometimes you can hear his head rolling down.’ Okay.

Public Enemy 

While Chuck D seems fairly normal, knobheadery was always on the cards thanks to ‘Professor’ Griff and Flavor Flav. Griff got ‘reorganised’, ie. sacked, for anti-semitism, while Flav’s life reads like a random list of social ills: domestic abuse, drug abuse, jail, unpaid debts, and finally showing up on Celebrity Big Brother looking a bit confused.

The Verve

Super-hyped band from the very late 80s. They later became massive, apparently on the basis of one hit where the best bit is pinched off the Rolling Stones. Later still considerably older singer Richard Ashcroft is still doing daft rockstar behaviour. Still, you can probably sell your CDs on Ebay when you have to do a clear-out.

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Five reasons the toilets in Wetherspoons are so far away from the bar

WHY do you have to trudge a quarter of a mile down long corridors to find the loos in every Wetherspoons? Could it be one of these reasons?

To give you a chance to sober up a bit

If you’ve necked six pints of dirt-cheap lager in a non-convivial environment you may start itching to take a swing at the similarly shitfaced twat you’ve ended up sitting next to. A long walk up and down several flights of stairs should sober you up enough to reconsider.

So you get dehydrated and need more booze

In some Wetherspoons the toilets are so far away that the walk leaves you feeling dehydrated enough to start fantasising about sinking another pitcher of Blue Lagoons before you’ve even pissed the last ones out. It’s a bit like when other, normal, pubs put peanuts on the bar, but more sadistic.

To stop the other punters whiffing the aftermath of your rogan josh

A hastily microwaved lamb rogan josh washed down with a gallon of booze that is perilously close to its sell by date is going to create a tsunami in your bowels. By locating the toilets several hundred metres away from the rest of its patrons, Wetherspoons ensures that they won’t be put off the menu until after they’ve already paid for their dinner.

Because Tim Martin is a tightfisted bellend

Tim Martin’s efforts to bin off his entire workforce when Covid hit proved him to be a penny-pincher. Placing the toilets as far away as possible from the bar stops people desperate for a pee from coming in off the street to use them without buying anything, the freeloading cheapskates.

So you forget where and who you are

Spend long enough in a Wetherspoons and the music-free, joyless atmosphere will have you questioning your choice of drinking establishment. However, a lengthy walk through several gloomy corridors will leave you feeling so disorientated and stressed that the only solution is to buy another pint of nasty warm ale when you finally find the bar again.