The Exorcist, and other films f**kwits thought were real

AS the Exorcist reboot arrives in cinemas, it’s worth remembering that the original left morons convinced demonic possession was real. Here are some more which viewers uncritically believed.

Capricorn One, 1977

This conspiracy thriller proves the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. Why? Because it depicts a fake mission to Mars filmed on a soundstage. For some people, a conspiracy theory lending itself to an entertaining film was all the proof they needed that it was real. If this is your threshold for evidence, try banging your head very hard against a brick wall. It might jolt your brain into working. It certainly won’t do any harm.

The Exorcist, 1973

Spooky, yes. Proof of demons? No, due it being a fictional film based on a fictional novel featuring fictional people (‘characters’). The amusing thing about buying into demonic possession is the sheer number of nutso beliefs it requires. Evil demons exist. The limit of their ambition is scaring small girls and killing the odd priest, which would be quicker with a gun. Satan, and therefore God, and therefore Jesus, and therefore bringing corpses back to life, are all real. Gullible twats would have been better off seeing Carry On Girls on the screen next door.

The Blair Witch Project, 1999

It’s hard to believe anyone thought this was real simply because the people near the beginning are clearly actors. Shit actors, yes, but actors nonetheless. Considering nothing much happens, which is more likely: (A) some people made a cheap film, or (B) murderous ancient witches live in the woods doing handicrafts? William of Occam would have had a field day. Actually he wouldn’t, he’d have been f**k-bored like the rest of the audience.

JFK, 1991

Did you get a strange feeling during JFK, similar to being asked to memorise 20 phone numbers while extremely pissed? That’s because none of the theories really stand up, so Oliver Stone throws them all at you in the hope some will stick. And they certainly did with some people, who now feel an unstable loner with strange political views and good marksman skills could not have killed JFK, and instead it was an insanely complex plot involving everyone in the United States except Jackie Kennedy. Although we shouldn’t rule her out. She could have been ‘hiding in plain sight’, as morons like to say.

Slender Man, 2018

Loosely based on the real case of two teenage girls stabbing a friend 19 times to appease internet meme Slender Man. Which the film doesn’t portray accurately either. You’ve got to wonder about the future of humanity when people believe in Slender Man, the well-documented product of a Photoshop contest. Maybe in 2073 we’ll all be worshipping at the Church of Kenobi.

Braveheart, 1995

Actually pretty enjoyable, if you set your historicity expectations to ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’. The danger is that Mel Gibson’s romanticised Celtic romp replaces actual history in people’s minds. Which it appears to have done – not surprising because there isn’t exactly a glut of TV and films about regular guy William Wallace. It’s just a shame it’s less historically accurate than Asterix in Britain.

The Strangers, 2008

Infuriatingly illogical horror movie with Liv Tyler ‘based on a true story’, which a lot of people took literally. Odd, because saying a film is a ‘true story’ is widely known to be meaningless, and anything even vaguely resembling killers in creepy doll masks offing someone as hot as Arwen would be global news. The makers later admitted the ‘true story’ was the Charles Manson killings, which is as tenuous as saying Dogtanian was real because you once went to Calais.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Israel unable to attack Hamas because BBC won't call them terrorists

ISRAEL has admitted it is unable to commit forces against Hamas because the BBC refuses to call them terrorists.

The state has assembled troops ready for a ground assault on the Gaza Strip and is waiting for John Simpson to give them the go-ahead by using the word ‘terrorists’ to refer to their targets in a clear and unambiguous way.

General Aviv Golan said: “And none of this ‘Britain has condemned Hamas as a terrorist organisation’ business. Stop hiding.

“No, as everyone knows Israel is very respectful of international opinion and the BBC is key to that. If they aren’t going to call Hamas out for what they are then we’re not going in.

“Without the BBC’s sanction how will the world know what Hamas is, with nothing to judge them on but their kidnappings and massacres?

“Even their own King’s ordered them to and they’re still refusing. What are they, some kind of entirely independent broadcasting organisation? What’s that about?”

Hamas commander Mohammed Deif said: “Come on BBC, am I or aren’t I? I’m on tenterhooks here.”