The Hobbit to be split into three films, four albums, five tea towels and a key ring

DIRECTOR Peter Jackson has announced plans to tell the story of The Hobbit across a variety of media including chinaware.

Gandalf will only be visible with special 'Gandalf glasses'

Despite the Tolkien’s original novel of The Hobbit being far shorter than Lord of the Rings, Jackson has insisted that telling the tale of Bilbo Baggins via an array of expensive things is the only way to fulfill his vision of fabulous wealth.

Jackson said: “There’s a dragon in The Hobbit that sleeps on a load of gold coins. That’s what I want, a solid gold bed.

“The forthcoming movies will only tell part of the story.  Cinemas will be not play the incidental music; instead fans will purchase the score separately and listen to it on MP3 players.

“Bilbo Baggins’ dialogue has also been removed. Cinemagoers will provide his speeches by reading aloud script extracts printed on souvenir beach towels.”

Hobbit fans will eventually find out how the story ends by completing a Panini sticker album.

Tolkien fan Stephen Malley, who claims to be a dwarf from the Mines of Moria, said: “This is great news as I will buy literally anything that has a picture of Gollum on it.

“I would especially like some sexy Tolkien-print lingerie for my girlfriend, so that I can read of plucky hobbits and their exploits during intercourse.

Peter Jackson’s next project is rumoured to be a seven-film adaptation of a note Tolkien left out for the milkman requesting some butter.