The real battle is fighting off all the ladies, says top Call of Duty player

AN OBSESSIVE Call of Duty player claims the real war is fending off the women who want to snatch him from his gaming chair.

Following the launch of Call of Duty: World War 2, hardcore gamer Tom Booker said: “There’s something about a man who manages to get 25 kills without dying, thus triggering the V2 Rocket score streak that makes women go absolutely crazy with desire.

“I reside in a darkened room, the sounds of gunfire occasionally interrupted by the screams of ‘dammmmnnn there’s a nuke baby!’ To many women this equals enigma and only heightens their lust.

“I sacrificed many hours to get this pasty colour, greasy sheen and alluring oniony smell. But ladies you’ll just have to wait for it, after all, I’m at war.”

Booker added: “I’m kind of a George Clooney figure. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get asked to do an advert for coffee or bulk-buy crisps.”

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iPhone X too good for this world

THE iPhone X shatters on contact with any solid object because it is too good for our material plane, Apple has explained. 

The newest iPhone, which costs £1,000, will suffer catastrophic existence cancellation within the first 48 hours of use not because it is flawed but because our world is.

Designer Jony Ive said: “Given the sheer level of innovation we bring to our flagship technologies, it’s surprising we’ve remained chained to gross matter as long as we have.

“The shattering of the X’s physical shell, which will take place whatever case you put it in because it is more unstable than antimatter, frees it to exist on a plane above our own where the four fundamental forces are in perfect harmony.

“It will dwell there forever, always with you, always charged, never losing signal. You just can’t physically touch it, but that’s no less an inconvenience than losing the headphone jack.”

Owner Nathan Muir said: “It was with me for less than an hour before it brushed a button on my jacket and explosively shuffled off its mortal coil to dwell forever in a higher place.

“I take comfort from knowing that it shall always remember my face.”