The six most f**ked-up accents in film history

WATCHING a film and thinking ‘hang on, what the f**k is that accent supposed to be?’ Nobody has ever spoken like these people: 

Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, 1991

Americans are famously terrible at any accents that aren’t their own, but our Kev, after two celebrated all-American roles, evidently decided not even to try. Appallingly lazy and embarrassing to Nottingham and England as a whole, this should have destroyed the Special Relationship forever.

Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October, 1990

If you’re working with Sean Connery you know that he’s not going to do anything but a Scottish accent. If he’s Scottish for Bond he’s Scottish for everthing. So allowing him to speak Russian with an Edinburgh drawl with no nod towards accurate pronunciation is all the more f**king baffling.

Ray Winstone in The Departed, 2006

It’s not all Americans. Cockney geezer Ray Winstone decided to stretch himself by playing a Boston gang member for Scorcese, despite having no business being in Boston unless it’s meant to be some weird exchange programme the American city has with Romford.

Leonardo Dicaprio in Blood Diamond, 2006

It’s impressive that a dark drama set in Africa with warlords and machetes could be derailed into a comedy by one man’s accent, but Leo manages it with his memorably awful Dutch-Kiwi-American interpretation of an Afrikaans twang. Dies at the end, presumably of toxic shock syndrome from allowing this alien thing into his body.

Tom Cruise in Far and Away, 1992

Americans love Ireland. It’s like Britain’s cute little brother who drinks too much. Americans are also incapable, on a genetic level, of doing the f**king accent. Tom Cruise cocks it right up. It’s as obviously fake as his marriage.

Sean Connery in You Only Live Twice, 1967

He’s back. Not for being Scottish while English, but for being Scottish while being James Bond disguised as a Japanese man. In this universe the Japanese are utterly sold on this slurring Scot speaking rudimentary phrases as just one more Tokyo salaryman.

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How to cope with wildly successful celebrities way younger than you

ARE popular, lauded and hugely famous people now a good decade younger than you? Keep telling yourself you’ve got plenty of time with these tips: 

Diminish their achievements

So what if Emma Raducanu is currently sailing through her first Wimbledon tournament while being 19 years old? Alexander the Great ascended to the throne of Macedonia in pretty much the same time. She’s shit compared to him. When you were that age you were failing your third driving test, which you’ve still never passed, but that’s irrelevant.

Pretend they’re not that young

Billie Eilish was the youngest person to headline Glastonbury, but she’s 20 so technically an adult. If an eight-year-old music prodigy took to the Pyramid Stage, now that would have been amazing. Let’s face it Billie, you’re nothing special. Mozart would have blown you away.

Pity them

Peaking young is a curse. These fresh-faced celebrities have had the euphoria of success and now have nothing but a lifetime of financial security and adoring fans ahead, so it’s downhill from here. While you’ve still got your best years to come, assuming you’re not an ugly, talentless mediocrity.

Big yourself up

It’s easy to be young, famous and successful these days thanks to Twitch and TikTok. You’re performing the much more incredible feat of holding down a minimum wage job you hate and paying bills every month. You’re so rock and roll you don’t even have a pension plan, unlike pampered sell-outs like Kylie Jenner.

Block them

Haven’t got the emotional maturity to handle with young, successful celebrities? Take the high road by cutting them out of your life. There’s probably something on your phone to filter out news about anyone under 25. Sure, you’ll be out of the loop about Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest girlfriend, but it’s a price worth paying.