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The Wicker Man, and other films with surprising yet disturbing wank potential

MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?

The Wicker Man (1973)

Folk horror about human sacrifice is not the obvious place to look for plank-spanking material. So stumbling across the scene with an alleged Britt Ekland cavorting naked against a wall is a marvellous bonus wank. It’s actually not Britt at all, but body double Jane Jackson, but does that bother you? Thought not.

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

Arty shite? Perhaps. Full of sex? Definitely. If shagging in a restaurant food storage room or getting a blowjob in the toilets is your kind of fetish, this one’s right up your street. There’s also torture, cannibalism and forcing a man to eat excrement, so let’s hope they all washed their hands afterwards. Otherwise their food hygiene rating doesn’t bear thinking about. 

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Gory tongue-in-cheek vampire horror is another genre seemingly unsuited to grappling the leathery eel, but then up pops Salma Hayek. The seductive dance with a python draped around her neck culminates in Quentin Tarantino slurping tequila from her naked foot. Was it coincidence his character did that, or director’s perks? Either way there’s ample time to luxuriate in self-abuse. Just try to finish up before everyone starts getting their limbs ripped off.

Black Swan (2010)

A psychological thriller against the rather staid backdrop of ballet rivalry is unlikely to have many wankable highlights, right? Not when Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman start sucking each other’s faces off. Fast forward to the 69th minute, ironically, to avoid falling asleep from boredom and hey presto: girl-on-girl action. A favourite of men who are still virgins and believe such things happen on a daily basis for the sexually active.

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

Romcoms are rarely populated with scenes to merrily unzip to, and this one seems no different. Until when Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are bickering while eating a sandwich, then suddenly Ms Ryan pulls the orgasm scene. It’s pretty hot, but you’ll need to get in quick as the rest is just classic comedy. You’ll feel pathetic when it dawns on you you’ve just got off to an actress pretending to climax, but in many ways that’s better than when it happens in real life.

Basic Instinct (1992)

Okay, the title should have been a giveaway in a film otherwise centred around the jolly hobby of murdering people with an icepick, but back in the day no one saw the leg-crossing-fanny-glimpse coming. Millions of VHS tapes globally snapped under the pressure of being paused in exactly the same spot so male viewers could crash the proverbial custard truck. Which was no great loss as the rest of the film is pretty shit.

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Cider Barrel, and other lollies that prove the old days were better and you should vote Reform

THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.

Mini Milk 

Bland and unexciting, but that was a good thing because it taught us to endure hardship uncomplainingly. Rest assured Reform will be bringing back that Blitz Spirit. Nigel will personally launch a lolly called The Dunkirk, tasting of Spam and sand.

Cider Barrel

A relic of a better time when drink driving was socially acceptable and motorists weren’t terrorised by the seatbelt Gestapo. And where are Britain’s historic cider orchards these days? Chopped down to make space for wind turbines and asylum hostels. Laurie Lee would turn in her grave if she knew what had become of the land of Cider Barrel with Rosie.

Orange Maid

Banned now because ‘maid’ is gender-specific and therefore offensive to trans ‘women’. Under Reform it will be illegal for ice cream vans to discriminate in favour of transgender people. We are very keen on important policies like that.

The Fab lolly

The Fab lolly was a cornerstone of Anglo-Saxon culture, now all but extinct thanks to mass immigration and woke. Its three iconic tiers of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate with hundreds and thousands were as quintessentially English as Nelson’s fleet. You can still get them in supermarkets, so it’s unclear what our beef is here, but that’s often the case with Reform. 

The Zoom

No British summer was complete without a pineapple, orange and strawberry lolly vaguely shaped like a rocket. But how long before those refreshing fruit flavours are replaced by curry, jerk chicken and Eastern European sausage in the name of multiculturalism? Vote Reform before it’s too late.

Dracula

We all know why you can’t get these wonderful lollies anymore. The menacing shape of Dracula and the raspberry-flavoured ‘blood’ centre would have today’s snowflake youngsters sobbing and demanding a safe space. Under Reform horror lollies will be sold freely, especially ones named after classic British films, such as ‘The Blood on Satan’s Cornetto’ and ‘Don’t Lick Now’.

Funny Feet 

Introduced in 1980, and as much a symbol of British greatness as Margaret Thatcher, the Falklands War and Daley Thompson. In what other decade could you have celebrated the sinking of the Belgrano while sucking on a strangely gelatinous ice cream foot? Truly the best of times.

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