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Theatre best sleep man has had in years

A MAN has enjoyed his deepest and most refreshing sleep in recent memory while attending the theatre, it has emerged.

Despite initially dreading the touring production of Hamlet that his wife Laura insisted they go and watch, Martin Bishop was impressed by the restorative slumber that the highbrow cultural experience sent him into.

He said: “They should really mention Shakespeare’s sleep-inducing powers in the ads. Every night would be a sell out with insomniacs.

“By the end of the first act the rhythm of the dialogue had me yawning out loud. Hamlet’s indecisiveness did for the rest and I was conked out well before the interval. I’m guessing there was no climactic explosion or a car chase because that would’ve woken me up.

“My only criticism is that the chairs weren’t really built for having a kip. I reckon I could have entered REM sleep before the ghost of Hamlet’s father appeared if the theatre provided us with chaise longues. Other than that I give it five stars.

“We’ve already booked to see Henry IV for our next date night. It’s three hours long, tells the dreary story of a succession, and leads into an equally somniferous sequel. I can’t f**king wait.”

Wife Laura said: “I owed Martin. I felt like I slept for a thousand years when he took me to see The Fantastic Four.”

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Dempsey & Makepeace: TV shows that are great for reminding you you're quite old

EVERYONE loves a bit of TV nostalgia – until you realise Just Good Friends was 42 years ago. Here are some more great shows for reminding you you’re halfway to death.

Dempsey & Makepeace, 1984-86

This mediocre mismatched-detective-partners series is a fun bit of 80s nostalgia to dredge up in the pub. That’s until the realisation dawns that if you remember it, you’re terminally middle-aged. It’s a double blow when you also realise you’ve spent much of your finite life not achieving great things, seeing the wonders of the world or having intense love affairs, but watching shitty TV cop shows.

Three Up, Two Down, 1985-89

Only really worth watching for Lysette Anthony, who was in Krull for some bonus 80s nostalgia. Utterly harmless until you realise no one has a mobile phone. Or a laptop. It’s a bygone era of ancient history. Michael Elphick may as well be wearing a toga. Gen Z viewers will also be confused by a young couple owning their own house. How is that possible? Did they murder the real owners and impersonate them, in a strangely dark premise for a mid-evening ITV sitcom?

Dawson’s Creek, 1998-2003

This started 27 years ago and had two types of viewer: fans and bored boyfriends. Would Dawson, Joey, Pacey and Jen ever resolve their relationship problems? And why did teenagers talk in weird therapy-speak? F**k knows, but it was ages ago. Hang on, you say, I’m always seeing articles about Katie Holmes or Joshua Jackson, so it can’t have been that long ago! It was, because those articles are always in the Daily Mail, a newspaper that lives in the past, whether it’s 70s, 80s or 90s nostalgia, or the happy days of the Third Reich.

Doctor Who, 1963-present

Obviously if ‘your’ Doctor is Ncuti Gatwa your whole life is ahead of you, so no problem there apart from the show being total shite thanks to Russell T Davies’ nonsense like monsters made of snot and being a ‘male-presenting Time Lord’. If ‘your’ Doctor was Peter Davison you’re going to get blank looks from young people, and if you’re still carrying a torch for Pertwee assistant Jo Grant, aka Hendrix-shagging, men’s-mag-posing 70s actress Katy Manning, it’s time to start choosing a nice grave plot.

This Life, 1996-97

You were quite into this superior young professionals houseshare drama at the time, which was pretty relatable and had some excellent storylines: Anna’s drink problem, Miles’ crazy girlfriend Delilah, Milly shagging her cool older boss and punching Rachel. Yes, you remember it well. And 1996 was almost 30 years ago. Maybe it’s time to invest in a tartan shopping trolley and some fleecy boots. You don’t have to start using them right away.

George and Mildred, 1976-79

This was in the news recently after the death of Norman Eshley, who played the snobby neighbour. Hopefully you only have dim childhood memories of the later episodes, because 1976 was a f**k of a long time ago. Whatever the case, you really don’t need to be confronted with your own mortality by an unfunny bickering suburban couple trapped in the worst kind of clichéd 1970s sitcom hell.

Captain Caveman, 1977-1980

Hanna-Barbera f**king churned them out, resulting in numerous cartoons that really make you wonder about the thought processes behind them; see also Hong Kong Phooey. Still, coke was big in the 70s. In summary: a highly stylised caveman fought crime with the aid of three leggy teenagers in a sort-of-parody of Charlie’s Angels. Most people probably remember little except his creative catchphrase, ‘CAPTAIN CAY-YAY-YAY-AVE-MAN!’, but if you do you should consider increasing your pension contributions, because you’re going to be needing it soon.

Hi-de-Hi!, 1980-88

More timewarp humour from Dad’s Army and It Ain’t Half Hot Mum writers Jimmy Perry and David Croft, this time a 1950s-set holiday camp sitcom that was wildly popular in the 1980s. It’s not all that good, although simple catchphrases like ‘Hello campers! Hi-de-Hi!’ and ‘Don’t tell Miss Cathcart!’ were hilarious to the mind of a child. That was 45 years ago, so with a life expectancy of 81 years in the UK, you’re well past the halfway mark. You’re edging up the Grim Reaper’s ‘to do’ list, and you’ve been reminded of it by bloody Su Pollard.

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