This is Strictly not a f**king nunnery, complain sex-starved viewers

STRICTLY Come Dancing viewers are deserting the show in droves after not one couple has begun an illicit affair.

As the show enters its fourth week without a frenzied liaison between celebrity and dancer shattering a long-standing relationship, viewers have been left shouting ‘Go on, shag him’ and ‘Get right up her, mate’ at their televisions in frustration.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “I don’t want to be funny, but if they’re not banging each other it’s not very entertaining, is it? Just a load of dancing.

“It’s a poor show when they’ve got Angela Rippon hot to trot and a bloke from Love Island with a string of conquests competing against his ex, and we’re in week four and nothing’s bloody happened. They should have their pay docked.

“Though it’s not the celebrities I blame, it’s the dancers. They’re earning good money to ruin marriages and reputations but barely exploiting the adulterous possibilities of the tango. It’s almost like they don’t want a long-term relationship with Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

“Let’s stop pissing around and make week five Naked Week. That should get some dicks wet.”

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Holly Willoughby hasn't stopped saying f**k yet

FRIENDS of Holly Willoughby have confirmed she has spent the four days since quitting This Morning releasing 14 years’ worth of expletives.

The presenter’s method approach to hosting Britain’s most anodyne show means she has not allowed the word ‘f**k’ to pass her lips since September 2009, despite numerous provocations.

Her personal assistant said: “Holly faxed over her resignation on Tuesday night. ‘Well, that’s f**king that,’ she said, taking us both aback, but after that the floodgates opened.

“She’s literally unable to speak a sentence without at least four f**ks in. ‘I’ll f**king take the f**king dog the f**k out for a f**king walk, shall I?’ is only the most recent.

“And that’s when she’s trying. Mostly she’s muttering ‘f**k, f**k, f**k’ in a constant low stream, recalling every boring recipe or moronic makeover she had to smile through.

“We believe she’s currently reliving 2015. When we get to 2017, when she discovered her salary was only one-third of Phillip Schofield’s, we’re sending the kids away for a few days.”

Willoughby said: “Once I’ve got this the f**k out of the way, I hope to present The f**king One Show.”