Tolkien fans not arsed whether The Hobbit is loyal to book

AS Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit premieres, Tolkien’s easygoing fans are definitely not interested in picking holes in it.

Although JRR Tolkien has millions of devotees worldwide, they’re all very socially well-adjusted and too busy having sex with attractive partners to moan about tiny ‘inaccuracies’ in the new film.

36-year-old Julian Cook, who dressed as Gandalf to stand for hours in the crowd outside the premiere screening, said: “Like all fans, I am passionate about Middle Earth but also don’t see it as my personal property.

“I mean, I do like The Hobbit but at the end of the day it’s just another adventure story. When you think about it, these things are ten-a-penny.

“So I’d be fine if Peter Jackson’s film isn’t much like the book. For example if instead of being a dragon, Smaug was a massive horse.”

26-year-old Emma Bradford, who was dressed up as some sort of elf, said: “When I go to fantasy conventions, I find the people there are really good at keeping their hobby in perspective.

“You never get the sense that Middle Earth is an unhealthily big deal to them.

“There’s no way they’d ever sit in the audience of The Hobbit muttering ‘Bofur would never wear a jerkin like that’ in a smugly outraged voice, or tut at Ori the dwarf’s accent, then go home and write enraged messages on dozens of internet forums while crying.

“Personally I wouldn’t be bothered if Peter Jackson made Middle Earth into a spaceship. It’s only a couple of hours’ harmless escapism, so whatever.

“And it would be funny if they’ve changed Bilbo’s name to ‘Dildo’, because that is a good joke.”

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will come down with woman-flu. Which is exactly the same as man-flu. Why should it be any different? You sexist pig.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes, it does look like Alan Sugar with a hangover. Now put it away, for God’s sake.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The dog gets wind of your intentions in the vet’s waiting room when the radio starts playing Coldplay’s Fix You.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The next time you make stew, remember that Baileys doesn’t really make an acceptable substitute for bay leaves.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A sex worker rudely refuses your request for something specialist, little realising you’re being filmed for Undercover Boss.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve been wanting to use your new phrase, ‘seen more jism than a Travelodge bedsheet’, for weeks without the opportunity but fortunately the in-laws are coming to visit this weekend.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An awkward moment during first aid training when you tell colleagues that the limbless resuscitation torso reminds you of your first girlfriend.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Temporarily giving up drink hasn’t been easy but as the 30th approaches, you feel it has been a worthwhile half hour.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you post the phrase “Free Ipad Bieber sex Obama 9/11 followers” in a bid to make Twitter explode.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No sign of your name in the Sports Personality Of The Year shortlist, so jogging to catch that bus back in August seems to have been a complete waste of fucking time.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you have an upset stomach just drink plenty of water, get some rest and stop eating stuff out the Iceland bins for a few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’ll send you all my love, every day in a letter. And seal it with…well, you can probably guess that.