Top Gun sequel to focus on erectile dysfunction

MOVIE sequel Top Gun: Maverick will reflect its ageing audience by focusing on the upsetting mid-life issue of erectile dysfunction.

The film will mix thrilling dogfight sequences with romantic scenes where the star struggles to achieve a sustained stiffy with a partner who is not that bothered anyway.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “Being a pilot’s just a job to Maverick now. It’s okay, but he’s making half as much as his brother-in-law, who’s a dentist.

“So while he’s doing barrel rolls in aerial combat we hear a voiceover saying ‘Am I watching too much porn? Or is it that I drink too much? And if it stays up I’m firing Sidewinders before I’ve locked on.’

“Eventually, after a scene where he yells ‘Talk to me, Goose!’ to his own flaccid member, he buys Viagra, makes love successfully, shoots down 22 MiGs and starts a war with Russia.

“At the same time his wife Kelly McGillis finally conquers her female incontinence. It’s a heartwarmer.”

At the end of the movie Maverick is shown happily popping a Viagra once a month, allowing him to remain in the closet for a further 24 years.

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'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s has declared that he would marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland. 

Boris Johnson has visited all three countries to decide on his order and has confirmed to parliamentary colleagues it is definitive and will not change further.

He explained: “Scotland’s the best-looking but she’s a fucking nightmare. Left-wing, freezing cold, always going on about her independence. You couldn’t live with that.

“Wales, meanwhile, might not have the looks or the oil or any decent cities but it’s a proper doormat. Never stands up for itself. Even voted for Brexit. That’s what I’m looking for in a wife.

“And Northern Ireland is totally crazy, half in love with England and half burning with hatred, and everyone knows that makes for incredible sex. God, the scratches on your back afterwards.

“So that’s the order, that’s my decision and those are the priorities of my government. Any further questions?”