Top Gun sequel to focus on erectile dysfunction

MOVIE sequel Top Gun: Maverick will reflect its ageing audience by focusing on the upsetting mid-life issue of erectile dysfunction.

The film will mix thrilling dogfight sequences with romantic scenes where the star struggles to achieve a sustained stiffy with a partner who is not that bothered anyway.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “Being a pilot’s just a job to Maverick now. It’s okay, but he’s making half as much as his brother-in-law, who’s a dentist.

“So while he’s doing barrel rolls in aerial combat we hear a voiceover saying ‘Am I watching too much porn? Or is it that I drink too much? And if it stays up I’m firing Sidewinders before I’ve locked on.’

“Eventually, after a scene where he yells ‘Talk to me, Goose!’ to his own flaccid member, he buys Viagra, makes love successfully, shoots down 22 MiGs and starts a war with Russia.

“At the same time his wife Kelly McGillis finally conquers her female incontinence. It’s a heartwarmer.”

At the end of the movie Maverick is shown happily popping a Viagra once a month, allowing him to remain in the closet for a further 24 years.