Twilight Characters To Have Fumbling, Slightly Painful Attempt At Sex

THE next Twilight film will see Bella and Edward’s relationship finally get physical in a massively humiliating and shame-filled  way, it emerged last night.

Their awkward failed tryst is the culmination of the ever-strengthening bond of immortal love between the pair, coupled with Edward threatening to tell all their mates that Bella is a lesbian cow.

A spokesman for producers Summit Entertainment said: “They’re in her room and Edward is fumbling for a johnny bag amongst all the other crap in his pockets – pulling out keys and old receipts while she struggles to keep looking sultry.

“But just as he gets it together Bella’s dad walks in with hot drinks and a multi-biscuit selection.

“You think he’s going to go fucking mental but actually he just apologises in a really shocked way, which is sort of worse. Thus their first go at it is cancelled.”

However fans will see coitus successfully achieved later in the film, entitled Breaking Dawn.

“A couple of weeks later Edward turns up again with a bottle of whiskey he’s nicked off his parents and a wildly optimistic amount of condoms, while Bella sticks on some Linkin Park.

“The next day Edward tells his mates everything, while Bella has a massive meltdown thinking she’s got some imaginary bat disease like venereal rabies and goes to the doctor’s with her best mate where she gets given a load of leaflets with pictures of pensive-looking girls on the front.

“He doesn’t call her and when they bump into each other at a party a couple of weeks later it’s really awkward. And that’s about that really. End of saga.”

Film critic Tom Logan said: “The portrayal of sex as being humiliating rather than magical allows the director to show some mild smut without compromising the franchise’s creepy Mormon message about how fornicators are doomed to eternal torment.

“None of which will matter, of course, if you’re a teenage girl ‘in heat’.”


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Trafalgar Square Maze 'Will Not Be Completely Filled With Pissed Glaswegian Tramps'

THE new maze in London’s Trafalgar Square will include some areas that have not been occupied by a foul-mouthed, Glaswegian vagrant, officials have pledged.

The ‘green’ tourist attraction is designed to bring an element of fun to the centre of the capital, as well as creating a new public space for drunken tramps to evacuate their bowels.

Different parts of the maze are named after areas of the West End, each with an interactive display that will be covered in fresh urine and, the organisers say, perhaps even a little bit of sick.

The West End Partnership insisted the maze was a quirky way to discover the rich diversity of the area, while pleading with tourists to carry either a large kitchen knife or an air pistol.

A spokesman said: “At some point you may be lucky enough to come across ‘Big Davie’. He’ll be doing what he thinks is breakdancing. Do not give him any money.

“And, until we can track him down, there is also a good chance you’ll come face to face with ‘Robbie Razors’.

“His nickname is nothing to do with a fondness for shaving – he actually has quite a heavy beard – it’s because he will cut you.

“Meanwhile, if you somehow make it to the centre of the maze then you’ll probably encounter an old man called George.

“He used to be a journalist on the Daily Express but now spends most of his time having noisy, one-sided arguments with his dog about how Britain is controlled by a giant homosexual. Or peeing in his own face. Enjoy!”

He added: “If you do get lost then just ask for ‘Wee Malky’ and he’ll lead you to safety – though he will want paying in super lager and shiny buttons.

“But whatever you do, don’t get lost.”