THE next Twilight film will see Bella and Edward’s relationship finally get physical in a massively humiliating and shame-filled way, it emerged last night.
Their awkward failed tryst is the culmination of the ever-strengthening bond of immortal love between the pair, coupled with Edward threatening to tell all their mates that Bella is a lesbian cow.
A spokesman for producers Summit Entertainment said: “They’re in her room and Edward is fumbling for a johnny bag amongst all the other crap in his pockets – pulling out keys and old receipts while she struggles to keep looking sultry.
“But just as he gets it together Bella’s dad walks in with hot drinks and a multi-biscuit selection.
“You think he’s going to go fucking mental but actually he just apologises in a really shocked way, which is sort of worse. Thus their first go at it is cancelled.”
However fans will see coitus successfully achieved later in the film, entitled Breaking Dawn.
“A couple of weeks later Edward turns up again with a bottle of whiskey he’s nicked off his parents and a wildly optimistic amount of condoms, while Bella sticks on some Linkin Park.
“The next day Edward tells his mates everything, while Bella has a massive meltdown thinking she’s got some imaginary bat disease like venereal rabies and goes to the doctor’s with her best mate where she gets given a load of leaflets with pictures of pensive-looking girls on the front.
“He doesn’t call her and when they bump into each other at a party a couple of weeks later it’s really awkward. And that’s about that really. End of saga.”
Film critic Tom Logan said: “The portrayal of sex as being humiliating rather than magical allows the director to show some mild smut without compromising the franchise’s creepy Mormon message about how fornicators are doomed to eternal torment.
“None of which will matter, of course, if you’re a teenage girl ‘in heat’.”