We ask you: would you listen to Lily Allen's new album if it wasn't for all the divorce gossip?

LILY Allen has re-entered the musical fray with a new album detailing her traumatic, salacious breakup. Is that why you’re listening?

Julian Cook, police officer: “Boiling Allen’s music down to the grotty details of her personal life is disrespectful and sexist. It’s not her fault that’s what all her songs are about.”

Nikki Hollis, HR manager: “I’m listening because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to understand the endless newspaper opinion pieces. Life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t enjoy them.”

Jack Browne, plasterer: “I’m excited to hear how far autotune technology has progressed since 2018’s No Shame. I’m only one track into West End Girl and she’s already pushing the envelope.”

Mary Fisher, videographer: “I refuse to listen to her so-called music so that she’ll be forced to focus on her more important work: flogging foot pics on OnlyFans.”

Bill McKay, food tester: “I’m desperately trying to claw my way back to 2006, to a time before everything went to shit. Listening to Lily Allen seems as good a way as any.”

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Six reasons why solo gig-going is cool and not desperate, by a man without friends

SHARING a live music experience with friends is overrated. Here’s why it’s actually better and cooler to go by yourself.

You can arrive early

Going to a gig is all about the atmosphere. And by getting to the venue three hours early, you really get to soak up the ambiance of a nearby car park while you wait for the doors to open. It also means you can be the first in the merch queue to buy an overpriced t-shirt that looks so bad you’ll never wear it to the parties you don’t get invited to.

It’s easier to push to the front

Everyone finds it annoying when a group of people push through the crowd to get near the stage. When you go on your own though, you’re free to weave through the heaving masses while causing minimal fuss. You don’t even have to worry about getting separated from anyone because you’re completely and utterly alone. Which isn’t terrifying at all.

You won’t lose anyone in the mosh pit

Moshing isn’t a performative cry for help if nobody else in the crowd knows who you are. You can become the wild card maverick you’ve always dreamed of and stage dive into the arms of your adoring public. None of your friends will mysteriously disappear due to second-hand embarrassment because they’ve already shitcanned you in order to get an early night.

You don’t have to be forced to drink

Gig tickets are expensive enough, so the last thing you need is to get stung for the best part of a tenner for a pint of lukewarm IPA. If you don’t go with other people though you’re able to defy societal expectations and watch the whole thing sober. You’ve just got to tough it out through an inevitably shit opening act.

Nobody judges you for knowing the words

If you’ve gone to the lengths of buying tickets and leaving your home, it should be clear that you’re pretty invested in the band you’re seeing. However some people find it disconcerting that you like to express your admiration by singing along to every song. Either that or your cacophonous warbling is ruining the performance for everyone around you.

You can make new friends

Music brings people together. Everyone else might look like they’re there to see their favourite artist, but what they secretly want is for a complete stranger to try and strike up a conversation. The only reason I haven’t managed to forge a human connection at a gig is because the speakers are deafening, otherwise I’d be too busy being popular to share this advice.