subscribe
/ Sign Out

Weekend without festival to be highlight of the summer

A MAN is hugely anticipating a weekend in July when he will be able to stay at home and not attend a music festival, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley, from Cheltenham, is due to go to a festival almost every weekend from now until September.

Malley, 33, said: “Some of them are going to be massive ones like Glastonbury where I’ll get wrecked for 72 hours then wake up on the Monday wanting to die.

“Then there are a couple of those tedious foodie ones that my girlfriend likes which will mostly involve drinking cava on a blanket whilst pretending to enjoy The Maccabees.  

“In between those are relentless local ones based around cider or folk dancing or being a vegan which I’ll have to go along to with my dad or weird Michelle from work.

“The truth is that the only weekend of the summer that I’m genuinely excited about is the one when I can stay at home from Friday night to Monday morning, screw the shelf back onto the bathroom wall and wear my slippers the whole time. It’s going to be epic.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
These Friends gifs everyone’s sharing are incredible! They really should put a bunch of them together, add sound and show them on TV. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The worst thing about living at the top of a tower, surrounded by thorn bushes and guarded by a dragon, is explaining to all these knights that you’re not a princess and actually work in conference catering. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations! By sleeping with one of every sign of the zodiac you unlocked the secret 13th sign, Baphomet!
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Saturday, you win Amateur Photographer of the Year for a series of pictures you accidentally took of the inside of your jeans pocket on your iPhone. You don’t get much more amateur than that.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, your habit of sarcastically saying “Wow, that’d make a great movie,” to boring anecdotes backfires when you’re invited to the premieres of Terrible Traffic, Bumping Into Schoolfriend At Supermarket and Really Sorting Out The Garden.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Feeling bold, you whisper “Candyman” five times into MTV and are forced to watch one of Christina Aguilera’s most soul-searingly awful videos. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you invent a program that automatically makes websites order things from cheapest to most expensive, so start mansion shopping now.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Bruce Springsteen cancels a gig in North Carolina because of toilets and everyone says he’s great. You say you’re not coming in tomorrow because of what you just did in the toilet and you have to see HR.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re really upset at the thought David Cameron could resign this week because you’re doing a sponsored dry April but you’d want to get drunker than Oliver Reed on his stag night.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Celebrity Capricorns include Jesus, though to be fair he’s not exactly A-list. You’ve never seen him courtside at a Lakers game.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
All that work going to the gym is starting to pay off – you’ve found £3.74 in loose change in the lockers so far.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You pride yourself on making a really good cup of tea, but maybe leave it off your CV.

Next story ›