What a great song, Stone Roses fan tells himself

A FAN of The Stone Roses has lied to himself and friends by saying how much he loves the band’s new single All For One.

Julian Cook, 42, went to Facebook to begin his campaign of self-deception by writing “Great track, back on form”, before repeating the lie on Twitter.

Speaking at work this morning, he said: “It’s just a really great song. I mean it’s simple but simple is great.

“Really, really great.”

Cook then walked away from his workmate attempting to whistle the song.

He added: “I just can’t get it out of my head.

All for one, one for all... I mean how did they come up with that? I’ve got exactly the same feeling of euphoria I used to get from doing Es in the early 90s.”

Cook then went and sat in the toilets and cried for 45 minutes.

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If you touch CBeebies we will destroy you, parents warn government

PARENTS of children under six have warned the government that if it lays a finger on CBeebies they will burn Westminster down. 

The warning came as the BBC advised that any changes to the licence fee would leave them no option but to shutter the channel, a surrogate babysitter to millions. 

But Tom Logan, a father of three pre-school children, said: “I am pouring the molotov cocktails right now. 

“If there is even a hint of Something Special being taken off the air, this pitchfork will be going through the culture secretary before the Numtums have time to count the prongs. 

“You can hire Ann Widdecombe to read the news, sell Doctor Who to Disney and make every episode of Casualty a hymn of praise to BUPA, but CBeebies is where I draw the line. 

“It isn’t just a TV channel. It is freedom, it is happiness, it is very life itself. 

“Also, the performances of Sid and Rebecca in Let’s Play are an acting masterclass that put the RSC to shame.” 

A government spokesman said: “These parents need to realise that the free market, which produces shows like He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and Jungle Junction, is far superior. 

“Oh. I seem to have a flaming crossbow bolt in my chest.”