What’s that bloody thing everyone’s watching on their phones?

EVERYONE on trains and buses seems to be watching a gripping TV drama, or possibly a film, on their phone. But what the bloody hell is it? 

Senate Majority
Dull US political drama. Appears weighty but is actually a series of basic lessons on moral issues similar to Star Trek. Watched mainly by morons who want to feel clever and it has attractive people in nice suits.

Undead Walkers Z Nation
Umpteenth reworking of the already-exhausted zombie TV genre, filmed in suspiciously out-of-the-way locations with little obvious damage. On a frankly surprising season four, its fascinating new premise is that the zombies have learned to swim.

Businesspersons
Business comedy-drama with an understandable focus on comedy and drama rather than actual business issues, eg. the company’s digital expansion strategy or a blockage in the ladies’ toilets. Still pretty shit.

Ancient episodes of Frasier
It’s easy to assume people are watching cutting-edge Netflix originals, but often they’re just watching stuff you saw on telly in the 1990s. A tell-tale sign is familiar actors looking normal and healthy and not as if they’ve spent seven years imprisoned in a gym.

Really bad pirate copy of current blockbuster
Unsure what those shadowy, menacing creatures surrounding Aquaman are? Answer: Chinese cinemagoers getting up to buy a Pepsi.

It’s okay, it’s just porn
Glanced at over someone’s shoulder on a tube train, what appears to be a smart, sassy office drama may well just be more implausible porn, eg. Office MILFs 8: MILFs In Charge.