Why are all our TV programmes so f**king trippy? ask children

CHILDREN have demanded to know why television programmes aimed at them are all incredibly weird.

They cited offerings such as Big Cook Little Cook, a cookery show hosted by a demonic midget, and bad acid trip Doodlebops.

Five-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “We appreciate the effort and we’re not being ungrateful, but we’re trying to learn how the world works and you’re giving us In The Night Garden and Twirlywoos, which are clearly the products of a deranged adult mind.

“Even Peppa Pig seems determined to convince me that pigs drive cars and go to ballet lessons. How does that help anyone?

“It’s all a bit of a mindeo, to be honest. Let’s just stick to the straightforward stuff like Fireman Sam in future, yeah?

“Just a man in a helmet doing a sensible job against a colourful backdrop, and no weird shit bouncing around on a spring going ‘ugg-erk’.”

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Sir Tim Berners-Lee apologises for inventing the internet

THE inventor of the internet has apologised because it is such a load of bollocks.

Sir Tim Berners-Lee said: “I really thought this would be a wonderful tool for the advancement of humanity and the free exchange of information.

“Sadly it’s just a load of short video clips of people having minor accidents, and horny little bastards threatening to beat each other up.

“Now nobody’s got any attention span and thinks incredibly perverse sex acts are quite romantic.

“I’m just really, really sorry. If I could, I would turn it off. I have tried.”

Meanwhile researchers at the Institute for Studies confirmed that no worthwhile notion had ever emerged from an internet forum.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There was one informative comment about climate change on a YouTube thread, but that just turned out to have been cut and pasted from a science book. Perhaps because posting comments on the internet is not worthwhile, there aren’t any clever people doing it.”