WONDERING why the government is obsessed with privatising Channel 4 when there are more pressing matters at hand? The Culture Secretary explains.
We can’t take criticism
Just ask the BBC. They do their best to remain neutral and impartial, but even Photoshopping a Russian hat onto Jeremy Corbyn didn’t quell our bloodlust. Meanwhile Channel 4 news replaced Boris Johnson with an ice sculpture during a televised debate, so if anything you’re lucky we haven’t nuked the broadcaster from orbit by now.
They bollocksed up Bake Off
It pains me to say it but The Great British Bake Off was better on the BBC. Back then it had Mel and Sue and Mary Berry and that guy who threw his baked Alaska into the bin. On Channel 4 it’s all woke and diverse which scares me. It’s only saving grace is that it still has Paul Hollywood. He’s an absolute stud like the men in my raunchy yet highly literary books.
It’s what Thatcher would’ve wanted
Yes, Channel 4 was set up under Thatcher’s government in 1982 as part of an effort to disrupt the media landscape. But if there’s one thing Maggie liked even more it was privatisation. By that logic, taking ownership of the broadcaster away from the people is the most Thatcherite move possible. Even though she openly objected to this idea while alive.
We’ve ruined everything else
Energy prices? We f**ked them. NHS? Crushed it. Public faith in government? We shat on it years ago. And with Brexit taking care of everything else there’s really not much left for us to destroy, hence why we’ve been forced to attack the last flickering glimmer of what made you proud to be British.
I’m thick as f**k
I’m fundamentally not very clever. Up until a few months ago I thought Channel 4 was publicly funded but apparently that’s not the case. And even though I have no idea how media works, I’m positive that privatisation will allow Channel 4 to compete with Netflix and Amazon. Which I understand are sort of like Ceefax.