Subscribe

Wills and Kate: what do they do all day to not have time to watch films?

THE news that William and Kate have not had time to watch all five Bafta nominated films has the UK questioning what else they are f**king doing. 

The couple attended last night’s Baftas, but the Prince of Wales admitted he had not seen Hamnet or Marty Supreme when surely he has the necessary time and boredom.

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said: “Fair do’s, I haven’t seen Sinners yet. Missed it at the pictures and I’m waiting for it to come on streaming. What’s his f**king excuse?

“He doesn’t work – a visit to a community centre where former gambling addicts make macramé hats for disadvantaged Peruvian children isn’t work, mate – he’s got nannies for the kids, he’s got no social life worthy of the name. He’s got nothing to do but watch films.

“I’m a busy man, but I’ve still found time to watch all four American Pie films and a further four direct-to-video spin-offs. What’s he do instead? Looking at an oil painting of King George III?”

Nail artist Emma Bradford agreed: “So you’re saying that, after a long day of doing piss all, him and her sit down and talk to each other? That’s not the kind of relationship I want in my monarch. That’s not a marriage that represents Britain.

“If he wants to be king he should be slumped in front of any old crap, day and night. He should be putting on some 70s shite with Michael Caine just to get himself through lunch.”

Kate said: “Mainly we spend our evenings talking about how great it’ll be when we’re ruling the country and can do whatever we want. You’d be surprised how inexhaustible a topic of conversation it is.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Why this horrible bigot we interviewed at the bus stop represents every Gorton and Denton voter

WE kept looking. We refused to give up. And eventually we found the one unbelievably thick, nasty and prejudiced voter who reflects the views of all Gorton and Denton voters. 

With the by-election this Thursday, the media have been scouring the area to find an average, typical bigoted voter who holds all the correct opinions for a deprived Northern constituency ready to turn from Labour to Reform.

It was a long and difficult quest, with many voters insisting that local issues matter or that actually, they are not living in abject poverty and are capable of nuanced thought, but finally a true voice of the people has been found.

52-year-old retiree Wayne Hayes is in no way representative of the young, and ethnically diverse demographic of the area, but does produce headline-grabbing soundbites.

He explained: “They come over here on their small boats to molest women and eat swans. Those are my women and those are the King’s swans. Also they molest the swans.

“If Keir Starmer gets in every bloke round here will become a trans woman, not that you’ll know because we’ll all be in burquas. Then he’ll kill us with the assisted dying bill and sell our organs to China to build tax-payer funded day spas for WFH civil servants.

“That’s why I’m voting Reform, er, I mean, I’m an undecided floating voter.”

Asked about Wayne’s claims, Labour spokeswoman Carolyn Ryan notes that economic deprivation and chronic underfunding naturally turns people into Hitler.

“We take Wayne’s points very seriously. It’s people like Wayne we need to convince if we want to hold onto this seat, and no one else.”

Next story ›