Wolf Hall viewers still waiting for wolf

VIEWERS of Wolf Hall have complained to the BBC that it did not feature the promised wolves.

Nathan Muir of Stourbridge said: “I like all the wolf movies – American Werewolf in London, Dog Soldiers, Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf 2 – so I sat through the fucking boring history bit waiting for someone to either become a wolf or to be attacked by one.

“My guess was that the ginger out of Homeland would get a pet wolf that he set on people, or that as king he’d have to go out and single-handedly battle a pack of wolves threatening the country. Either would have been fine.

“The BBC should heed the story about the boy who cried wolf, who lied repeatedly and so nobody listened to when there was actually a wolf in his television programmes.”

A BBC spokesman said: “Following viewer feedback, the next episode will show Thomas Cromwell dramatically transforming into a werewolf at the full moon and reveal that the true history of England is the secret war between them and the vampires.

“It might seem a jarring U-turn for the narrative, but the pigs want their shit.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Internet providers to block images of expensive shit that kids want

PARENTS have welcomed a move by broadband providers to shield children from images of desirable toys.

A new toy filter automatically blocks anything colourful, plastic and expensive while allowing access to items that no child has ever owned by choice, such as geometry sets, £6 Asda trainers and illustrated bibles.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “The thought of my six-year-old son going on the internet and stumbling across the new £79.99 Tracy Island playset chills me to the bone.

“Children just don’t have the emotional maturity to understand that things they see on the internet are a big chunk out of mummy and daddy’s fun money.

“But now I can block distressing pictures of Teksta robot dinosaurs, Frozen merchandise and family holidays at Disneyland, leaving my children safe to surf the web for pictures of dead bodies.”

Teacher Donna Sheridan said: “Finding your 13-year-old daughter looking at £150 trainers on the Urban Outfitters website is the moment every parent dreads.

“But thanks to the filter she and her friends are unaware that teenage fashions exist. She even thinks she looks quite trendy in the flared cords, zip-up cardigan and Jesus sandals I got her from Sue Ryder.”

Broadband providers will soon be offering a similar service to prevent dads being exposed to power tools that look like space weapons.