Woman doesn't understand film despite talking all the way through it

A WOMAN has no idea what happened in the film she watched with a friend, despite asking questions throughout.

When not searching on her phone for a synopsis of the plot, Emma Bradford pestered friend Donna Sheridan with queries about The Irishman, including ‘Why is it so bloody long?’

Sheridan said: “I wanted a relaxing evening watching Netflix, but with Emma present it was as much fun as explaining the intricacies of organised crime to a toddler.

“She was mercifully quiet when I thought she was reading the Wikipedia page about it, but it turned out she’d stumbled across a video of a pig having a bath.

“By the time she tuned in again she’d missed even more. Eventually I switched it off, otherwise our friendship would have ended there and then with me punching her in the face.”

Bradford said: “A pig having a bath is categorically more entertaining than Robert De Niro mumbling in a nursing home.”

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Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'

HAVING organised fun with your partner, or grasping for ways to bear their disappointing company? These five activities scream ‘I feel nothing for you’:

Seeing a play

The theatre is the perfect location for avoiding interaction with your partner. Unlike the cinema, you can’t talk through the trailers and if you so much as turn your heads towards each other, some white-haired gentleman will audibly tut.

Doing a dance class 

Do you really want to learn to salsa or is this the only way you can force yourselves to touch each other these days? It may even be an excuse to touch other people, in which case, it’s definitely over, and you’re a creep.

Going to a museum

A sure sign that you’re struggling to fill the gaping conversational void that opens up whenever you’re together. Once you wanted to know everything about each other, now your love is as dead as the trilobite fossil you’re unenthusiastically discussing.

Exercising as a couple

Are you actually having fun playing tennis together? Or were you feeling the urge to release some happy hormones and the thought of doing that in the bedroom makes you feel dead inside?

Attending a wine tasting event

Just a fancy-pants excuse for getting blind drunk so you can distract yourself from the sad, dead carcass of your relationship. The urge to get out the house at all is a red flag: any happy couple would spend the weekend at home, watching different Netflix shows on separate devices.