Woman hoping she can still catch a bit of QI after sex

A WOMAN mid-intercourse with her partner is wondering if it will be over in time for her to catch the last 20 minutes of QI. 

Donna Sheridan, who is currently underneath her boyfriend Tom, is calculating the time it will take for him to climax then fall asleep and is confident she will be able to catch the repeat on Dave.

She said: “As there’s no way I’m going to reach orgasm, I might as well learn something new about Archimedes or Pavlov’s dogs while he snores and I finish myself off.

“Ideally one from the Fry years but if it’s one of the newer ones with Sandi Toksvig, that’s fine too. Especially if David Mitchell’s on it. He knows where the clitoris is, dresses smartly and he wouldn’t f**k you about.

“Sometimes Tom lasts longer than expected and I have to spend a few minutes booking a Tesco delivery slot before it comes on Dave Ja Vu, but I don’t mind hanging around when I’m going to get something good out of it. Unlike this shag.”

Tom said: “After an incredible night of passion, Donna and I always drift off to sleep satiated and exhausted. Although weirdly, I often dream about Alan Davies.”

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Five reasons to boycott Valentine's Day, by a single man

CRASS commercialism isn’t romance. True love is respecting a man sticking by his principles. That’s why I, Julian Cook aged 28, will be alone tomorrow night: 

Unfair charging policies

You do know that restaurants and florists jack up their prices on February 14th, don’t you? Fifteen quid for a bunch of red roses? No chance. I’m all for being spontanously romantic on birthdays and anniversaries that end in a zero. A meal on Valentine’s Day cost less than a long weekend in Hull if you take your own food and booze.

Hallmark Holiday

It’s nothing but a cynical ploy by the world of commerce to boost moribund February spending, so it’s to my credit that I’m unswayed by the need to make a dramatic statement of intent to a partner in a retail lull between Christmas and Easter. Our love is better than that.

Every day should be Valentine’s Day

As a caring, sensitive guy, I rightly feel that expressing your love shouldn’t be restricted to a specific day. It should be always there, living and breathing, in tune with the woman’s emotions. I tell women that and they’re always impressed, though subsequently the Tinder chat tends to die down.

It demeans true love

Love isn’t an appointment. It isn’t a day on a calendar. To celebrate by rote alongside all the other couples would be to stab a gilded stake through its heart. If society deems that necessary? Then society is wrong, and I’d rather be at home watching Bridget Jones’s Diary as though I stumbled on it and can’t be bothered to change channel.

It should be anonymous

The true spirit of Valentine’s Day is a card arriving from an admirer, signed with no more than a question mark. Who has been watching me from afar? Could this be the great romance of my life? But with modern postal strikes, dating apps and anti-stalking laws, it could never happen. It’s never happened to me.