Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually

A WOMAN wants her husband to bugger off so she can sit on the sofa and weep at Love Actually without being judged. 

Emma Bradford wants to mindlessly plough through a family-sized bag of Kettle Chips and a box of tissues while watching the film without anyone smirking and making supercilious comments about it.

Bradford said: “Look, we all know Love Actually is shit but so what? I don’t make a fuss about Tom taking The Mandalorian weirdly seriously.

“If he’s here he’ll come in during a particularly embarrassing bit, like Hugh Grant doing that stupid dance. Kind of like when your parents walked in on you watching a TV sex scene, but more humiliating.

“He’ll watch for a while before saying, ‘They had to make the kid American so Americans would watch it,’ or ‘That mews house would cost at least £2 million – what are they, Russian oligarchs?’ And then it’s all ruined.

“It’s a well known fact that the best marriages are based on being able to get your partner to f**k off occasionally.”

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If it's mulled it barely counts as drinking, confirm scientists

YOU can drink as much booze as you like during the Christmas period as long as it has been mulled, scientists have agreed. 

Experts have confirmed that as long as a beverage has been slightly warmed and had a few spices thrown in it, it doesn’t count towards the weekly recommended limit of alcohol units.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If your drink has a cinnamon stick and a segment of orange floating around in it, you can imbibe it with impunity.

“Mulled drinks mean we can be massive pissheads at Christmas and no one is able to criticise without coming across as a mean-spirited grinch.

“However, our researchers found that trying to drink enough heavily seasoned, sweetened wine to get truly tanked is impossible, as it tastes vile and people tend to give up after one mug.

“Therefore, we recommend mulling vodka, rum, whisky, or a combination of all three, to make sure you are able to get properly plastered.”