Wonka stage role 'ideal for 1970s TV perverts'

THE perverts of the entertainment world are demanding the chance to audition for the role of Willy Wonka.

The new musical of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory stars a colourful character who gives sweets to children, tempts them into his home on the promise of wonderful adventures, and ends up severely traumatising them for life.

The only survivor is Charlie, a young boy from a deprived family who is expertly groomed by Wonka to take over as his heir and owner of his army of midget drug addict clown slaves.

Opening in the West End this week, the production has been deluged with requests from celebrity deviants.

Theatrical agent Norman Steele said: “Wonka is the perverts’ pervert.

“He makes kids fight for the chance to get into his house, lap at his chocolate river, get stuck up his pipe, and suck his special gobstoppers.

“It’s such a shame Sir Jimmy’s passed away. He’d have made this role his own.”

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Glastonbury line-up chosen at random by a cat

THIS year’s Glastonbury acts were chosen entirely at random by organiser Michael Eavis’ cat, it has emerged.

The extremely diverse line-up was achieved by allowing the cat, Ozric, to ‘select’ acts from a list that was read out to him.

Eavis said: “Too many festivals go down the predictable route of booking popular acts that people want to listen to.

“Instead I made a list of every act I could think of and read them out to my cat. If he responded in any way, like licking his paw or cleaning his anus, they went on the bill.

“And that’s why Mumford & Sons are headlining on Sunday.”

He added: “The final line-up was quite eclectic, but I don’t think that’s a problem. I’m sure lots of Dizzee Rascal fans also like Kenny Rogers and I Am Kloot.

“And Ozric did pick out some classic acts like The Rolling Stones, although personally I wouldn’t have booked them because I know a Stones tribute band that would have been just as good for £75.

“It’s just a shame he ignored U2, Madonna, Pink Floyd, Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, The Foo Fighters, Eric Clapton, Beyonce and Bob Dylan, because that would have been quite a festival to remember.”

Festivalgoer Tom Logan said: “The line-up is amazing. It’s like a mix of the old and the new and bands you vaguely remember from the 1990s. I just hope Nick Cave doesn’t clash with Smashing Pumpkins.”

His girlfriend Donna Sheridan added: “To be honest I’m only here to see Bobby Womack.”