Word ‘class’ to be retired in Bacall’s honour

FOLLOWING the death of Hollywood star Lauren Bacall, the word ‘class’ is to be taken out of circulation.

Unless used in the phrases ‘the class struggle’ or ‘class A drugs’, it will either not be used at all, or replaced by the word Bacall.

Pulp have already agreed to rename their 1995 album Different Bacall, while in schools the places where lessons are taught are being called Bacallrooms.

Meanwhile, instead of first and second class, railway operators will be required to rename carriages ‘Bacall’ and ‘Everyone Else’. 

Linguistics expert Norman Steele said: “Bacall had more Bacall in her little finger than the thousand spangly-toothed mannequins without a single opinion between them who’ve walked the red carpet since her heyday.

“Male or female, it doesn’t matter. She was more woman than any of them, and more man than any of them too.

“To carry on using the word ‘class’, as if any of these magazine fillers had an ounce of her Bacall, would be an insult.”

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I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians

Dear Holly,

My political career is really gathering speed these days, but I’m not sure everyone takes me seriously – just because I’m a beautiful blond doesn’t mean I’m a bimbo. I was thinking I might dye my hair dark brown like all the other proper politicians so that they might stop asking me to make the tea and calling me sugar tits. What do you think?

Boris Johnson


Dear Boris,

Your mummy probably sat you down at some point and promised you that looks don’t matter because it’s what’s inside that counts. Well, take it from me she is LYING, and following her advice will, at best, result in your rubbish Asda school coat and dodgy haircut getting showered in gob.

Hope that helps,