BEFORE we reached the heights of the current golden age of television, Britain made some shows that were void of decency, humour or sophistication. Like these:
Balls of Steel
Taking the Jackass concept and stripping it of all charm, this forgettable hidden camera concept featured Z-listers performing a series of half-arsed pranks. Marc Dolan’s interviews were full of phrases like ‘Fancy a bum?’ which were inoffensive and the peak of humour back then, and probably still acceptable in his current role as a GB News presenter.
Hole In the Wall
Japanese game show culture got lost in translation when the BBC ran its own version of Lycra-clad idiots contorting themselves through polystyrene shapes over a swimming pool. Dale Winton looked admirably indifferent to what he was hosting and Joe Swash was just happy to be made a captain of something. The phrase ‘Bring on the wall!’ lives on, if only as a chucklesome memory of a programme that was bafflingly shit.
The Jeremy Kyle Show
Our version of Jerry Springer poked fun at the lower classes with made-up stories of tracksuited men sleeping with three sisters at the same time. It was an uncomfortable circus sideshow where a furious Alan Partridge-type took the dubious moral high ground and threatened lie detector tests like a medieval torture device. After neglecting the well-being of its participants to a horrifying extent, it got mercifully cancelled.
Naked Jungle
Channel 5 have never been shy of a tawdry show that prizes seedy titillation above interesting content. Naked Jungle saw a stark bollock naked Keith Chegwin presiding over what was essentially a nude version of The Crystal Maze, soiling viewer’s eyes and any remaining shred of Cheggers’ dignity in the process. Thank Christ there was only one episode.
You Are What You Eat
All anyone remembers about this show is that not-actually-a-real-doctor Doctor Gillian McKeith made participants poo in a plastic box before having to look at all the food they ate in a week laid out on a table while she called them fat bastards. Luckily McKeith doesn’t feature in the kinder, more thoughtful reboot of the series, having moved on to a career as an anti-vax loon on Twitter.
10 Years Younger
In a time where body shaming was fine, Channel 4 went the extra mile to make people think plastic surgery was the first logical resort to having a muffin top. After body-conscious people were ogled at like zoo animals, a Bond villain doctor would draw haphazard surgery lines in Sharpie all over them, while sarcastic stylist Nicky Hambleton-Jones rolled her eyes behind designer spectacles at their godawful dress sense. Terrifying.
