23 Mars missions, and what else £100 billion could buy you instead of HS2

THE HS2 line linking London and Birmingham, which are already linked, is currently set to cost £100bn. What else could that money buy? 

23 manned missions to Mars

The estimated cost of the first four-man Mars lander is £10bn, with each subsequent launch costing £4bn. For the price of a fast train we could put enough Britons on the red planet for a five-a-side football league.

Enough nukes to take out Russia

Remember the 80s, when all anyone wanted was to reduce the Soviet Union to a glowing radioactive wasteland where only leather-clad mutants survived? We could achieve that retro dream on the same budget as a train between two cities sensible people avoid.

Half of Greece

Buy Greece’s national debt and you’ve pretty much bought Greece. Seafront location, lots of lovely islands, a real sun-trap in the summer months, large goat surplus, comes with complimentary EU membership.

The Kardashians

The UK deserves a bit of glamour in its drab life so why not purchase America’s first family? Not just the main ones like Kim and Kanye, but the back-ups like Kourtney and Khloe, who could be made to live in places like Doncaster to brighten them up.

18 tons of pharmaceutical cocaine

HS2 backers claim it will boost the economy. But not nearly as much as giving every man, woman and child in the country a year’s unlimited nose candy to work frantically away in their cubicles like overdosing lab rats. We’d take over the world.

A Royal yacht

If the Tories are going to waste this kind of money then they really should waste it on the thing most dear to their hearts, a new Royal yacht. For £1bn they could get one big enough to keep the entire Royal family safe at sea while the rest of us die of the Coronavirus.

Half of Brexit

Unfortunately £1bn won’t be enough to cover the entire economic cost to the country of Brexit, because it’s far more ruinously expensive than that. But it would at least split the bill.

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Snow preventing office workers typing on computer keyboard in heated office

AN unexpected snowfall has made it impossible for staff at an insurance firm to operate their computers.

The snow, which covered the car park up to a depth of almost two inches before melting two hours later, forced all employees at Ledhill Insurance in Tamworth to immediately cease work and take precautionary action like looking out of the window and going for a coffee.

Data inputter Tom Logan said: “My computer’s completely stopped working now I’m standing 30 feet away by the window. I’d call IT support but I can see they’re by the south window to observe the snow there.

“There’s no point trying to get any work done because half the office has gone to the canteen to eat chocolate things. You can’t send an email without teamwork.”

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “I’m monitoring the situation by watching the snowflakes and speculating about whether they’ll send us home early. It’s vital work.

“I’d love to get back to my desk but I’ve got my staff to think of. If someone froze to death because I was too busy processing invoices I’d never forgive myself.”

At lunchtime Sheridan intends to rehearse an emergency evacuation plan by visiting the wine bar that does tapas with her mate Shelley.