Monday, 19th April 2021

A single Pritt Stick, and other things delivery drivers have risked their lives to bring you

BORED? Identified a possible need in your life and gratified it with a click? A chain of people now battling to bring it? Here’s how your purchase affects them: 

A Pritt Stick

So scared are you to lick envelopes in case you got Covid that you ordered a tiny tube of glue for same-day delivery. The van driver travelled 50 miles to bring it to you, caught the virus at a service station and indirectly killed three species of beetle with the carbon emissions.

Charcoal barbecue

An impulse buy because all socialising will be outside this summer, you fondly imagined post-lockdown summer nights grilling sausages even though you live in a top-floor flat without even a Juliet balcony. A 55-year-old fork-lift driver took too long getting this from 18ft up a shelf and was fired.

Only Connect board game

You bought this because you thought moving to the catchment area of a good school had automatically turned your family into intellectuals. But after none of you got any of the first ten questions, you gave up and sent it back. The resulting lost profits mean all shift allowances have now been cancelled.

Sourdough baking steel

Your loaf could have looked great on Instagram during the sourdough craze, which is why you shelled out on chef-standard equipment before downing a bottle of wine, dozing off and dropping the burnt black lump of sourdough in the bin. A warehouse picker lost two fingers getting you this steel, but that’s fine.

Antique glass melon cloche

Meant to be for growing melons under, but you thought it might look nice on the occasional table in the bay window and paid for next-day delivery. The driver, who has had four hours sleep in three days, span out under a bridge and caused a seven-car pile-up closing the A50 all day. He’s being cut out of his vehicle. You’re at home, irritably clicking ‘Track My Parcel’.