Monday, 19th April 2021

How to disconnect from nature post-lockdown

THE UK has never been more in touch with nature than during this last interminable lockdown where there’s nothing to do but go for a muddy walk. Here’s how to stop: 

Keep your head down

There’s no need to smile at strangers once you can do actual fun things like imbibing alcohol in pubs with friends. The less you engage with the immediate environment around you, the less you’ll notice all those things that have been taking up valuable headspace like flowers in bud or hawks soaring majestically overhead.

Use your car at every possible opportunity

Walking can come to an end soon and with it the pleasure of being in green open spaces or absorbing the rich canvas that is Mother Nature. The more you drive on tarmac, the less you’ll be burdened by the changing seasons and associated engagement with fauna and flora.

Cease exercising daily

The government allowed us to exercise once a day so we all engaged in regular physical outdoor activity than we ever would have considered reasonable. When the world opens again, focus on travelling to buildings where you can sit down, like restaurants, cinemas, theatres and your office. Only exercise in a gym where you’ve paid to.

Meet people indoors

Remember when suggesting you meet a date for a walk was the stuff of an unwatchable period drama? Thankfully, restriction-free life means you can once again socialise in a civilised way by getting off your tits with your friends in a crowded, sticky-floored bar.

Give your dog away

Did you decide a dog would help you through lockdown? And are you one of the poor bastards having to walk it all the f**king time? Gift it to a family member ignorant of the true horrors of the responsibility of dog ownership and resume your walk-free, sedentary, indoor lifestyle.