How to disconnect from nature post-lockdown

THE UK has never been more in touch with nature than during this last interminable lockdown where there’s nothing to do but go for a muddy walk. Here’s how to stop: 

Keep your head down

There’s no need to smile at strangers once you can do actual fun things like imbibing alcohol in pubs with friends. The less you engage with the immediate environment around you, the less you’ll notice all those things that have been taking up valuable headspace like flowers in bud or hawks soaring majestically overhead.

Use your car at every possible opportunity

Walking can come to an end soon and with it the pleasure of being in green open spaces or absorbing the rich canvas that is Mother Nature. The more you drive on tarmac, the less you’ll be burdened by the changing seasons and associated engagement with fauna and flora.

Cease exercising daily

The government allowed us to exercise once a day so we all engaged in regular physical outdoor activity than we ever would have considered reasonable. When the world opens again, focus on travelling to buildings where you can sit down, like restaurants, cinemas, theatres and your office. Only exercise in a gym where you’ve paid to.

Meet people indoors

Remember when suggesting you meet a date for a walk was the stuff of an unwatchable period drama? Thankfully, restriction-free life means you can once again socialise in a civilised way by getting off your tits with your friends in a crowded, sticky-floored bar.

Give your dog away

Did you decide a dog would help you through lockdown? And are you one of the poor bastards having to walk it all the f**king time? Gift it to a family member ignorant of the true horrors of the responsibility of dog ownership and resume your walk-free, sedentary, indoor lifestyle.

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Royal Family only family without racists in it

THE Royal family is the only family in Britain without a single racist member, Buckingham Palace has confirmed. 

While every other family in the country, or indeed the world, has at least one older relative making offensive remarks over the dinner table, the Windsors are the only family completely free of racism in any form.

Royal correspondent Eleanor Shaw said: “The Duke of Cambridge’s assertion that ‘we are very much not a racist family’ is both a statistical improbability and entirely accurate.

“While you or I might have a grandparent prejudiced against the Japanese or an uncle who believes we should civilise Spain by carpet-bombing it, William has ruled out any possibility that the Royals are just like us.

“They have no racist uncles. Their older members are racially enlightened and fully accept the idea of white privilege. Even Princess Michael of Kent rails against the evils of the Empire.

“It’s truly remarkable that the most high-profile and powerful family in Britain are also the least bigoted. But there’s no documented evidence to the contrary, for example a senior member making a gaffe with a person of colour, or any pictures of them being carried on golden litters by colonised natives.

“I suppose it’s just another instance where the Royals really are our betters. It certainly gives the rest of us something to aspire to, though, doesn’t it?”