Airlines admit their cockpits are full of weird shit

AIRLINES have urged passengers not to pry into what happens inside the cockpit once the door is closed.

“I have a seahorse in my underpants”

As it emerged a Flybe pilot landed his plane after his false arm came loose, the airlines said that cockpits are ‘magical places beyond the reach of international law’.

A source at a major British carrier said: “We have one pilot who refuses to fly without his pet chickens.

“Most of the chickens just hop around inside the cockpit, treading on important buttons and switching the engines on and off.

“But there’s one chicken that spends the entire flight with its face pressed up against the windscreen.”

Another source said: “We’ve got a flight crew that puts on full scuba gear and then pumps the cockpit full of shaving foam.

“And another one of our pilots waits until he is at cruising altitude and then sets up a charcoal barbecue. He says the cabin pressure gives the marinade a bit more ‘oomph’.”

The source added: “You’re right to be worried. The ‘automatic pilot’ is more of a marketing thing rather than an actual thing.”



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Half-pint drinkers in desperate plea for tolerance

PEOPLE ordering smaller glasses of beer have demanded an end to being ridiculed.

Half-pint drinkers reported experiencing abuse and mockery in the pub, even from those they considered to be close friends.

Recalling the last time he ordered a half pint, Roy Hobbs, said: “The room turned on me like a pack of jackals. Middle-aged men with families were saying I was a ‘massive bellend’ and repeating everything I said in high-pitched effeminate voices.

“Eventually I was forced to reconsider and ended up with a pint I didn’t really want.”

Hobbs called for an end to the ritual humiliation of half-pint drinkers: “Also if I want a dash of lemonade, that should be ok too. It’s my drink and no-one else’s business.”

Plumber Tom Booker said: “I’ve moved to another table to avoid being associated with a half-pint drinker, and even refused to acknowledge the half-pint as a unit of measurement. It’s absurd really and I do see his point.

“That said, what a TWAT. Ha ha ha.”