AL-QAEDA has opened a branch in India offering jihad, anti-western diatribes and two keys for a pound.
The terror organisation has included key-cutting and minor shoe repairs in the face of competition from start-up maniacs, the Islamic State.
Leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri said: “Islamic State is very sexy, it’s very now, but is it practical? By offering handy, everyday services like keys we are adding value to our jihad.
“Imagine if Timpson’s was waging an endless war against decadent western values. They would be indispensable.”
He added: “I don’t know about dry cleaning. Maybe. Let’s just see if the key thing works.”