Al-Qaeda’s Indian branch to offer key-cutting

AL-QAEDA has opened a branch in India offering jihad, anti-western diatribes and two keys for a pound.

The terror organisation has included key-cutting and minor shoe repairs in the face of competition from start-up maniacs, the Islamic State.

Leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri said: “Islamic State is very sexy, it’s very now, but is it practical? By offering handy, everyday services like keys we are adding value to our jihad.

“Imagine if Timpson’s was waging an endless war against decadent western values. They would be indispensable.”

He added: “I don’t know about dry cleaning. Maybe. Let’s just see if the key thing works.”

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Coffee table books show exactly the kind of people couple pretend to be

AN ASSORTMENT of large, shiny books has given guests a perfect insight into their hosts’ fictional lifestyle.

Old books also look cool, like somebody’s read them

The guests were given a superbly inaccurate impression of Stephen and Emma Malley by the carefully choreographed hardcover volumes on the coffee table.

Martin Bishop said: “It was great to see what kind of books Stephen and Emma want us to know they own.

“Each pristine, unopened book demonstrated a passion that none of us knew they would like to have, ranging from fashion photography to Middle Eastern cuisine.

“After I flicked through Banksy’s Wall and Piece, Stephen and I had a halting, error-strewn conversation about anti-establishment guerrilla art which concluded with us both believing we’d be cooler if we liked it.

“Emma told me Journeys of a Lifetime: 500 of the World’s Greatest Trips took pride of place because it brought back so many memories of places she’d love people to assume she’d visited.”

On a visit to the bathroom, Bishop noticed that the books at the couple’s bedside were Angels of Atlantis: Twelve Mighty Forces to Transform Your Life Forever and The Marvel Comics Encyclopedia 2014.