Quick drink after work now means seven

GOING for ‘a drink’ after work means going for seven drinks, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that workplace stress and the deliciousness of alcohol means a ‘quick drink’ now takes hours because of all the drinking.

Personal assistant Nikki Hollis said: “If I say I’m going for a couple then going home, I actually mean that within three hours I’ll be pissing in an alley while screaming Katy Perry’s Roar.

“And please do sublet my flat for the next month because I won’t be able to find it.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “Once I’ve had a quick drink, I’m going to eat two pizzas and then busy myself with a young lady who has also had no more than a couple.

“Tuesdays. Splendid.”

 

Obama discovers ‘nato’ is Welsh for ‘herpes’

WELSH schoolchildren yesterday told President Obama that ‘nato’ means ‘herpes’ in their native language.

Visiting a school in Newport, the US president told the pupils he was attending the Nato summit and was met with a mixture of bewilderment, disgust and infantile sniggering.

Twelve year-old Elwyn Thomas said: “He kept saying it until eventually I was forced to put my hand up and ask if he’d been at it with a prostitute.

“And then I told him my Uncle Rhodri had to get an injection right in his cock.”

Pupil Kerys Williams added: “Coming in here talking about nato like it was something to be proud of. I’m only 10. Dirty bugger.

“And why are they having a conference about it?”

President Obama also learned that ‘ukraine’ means ‘sex-based injury’ and ‘putin’ is Welsh for the gunk that gathers around the base of a kitchen tap.