All internet providers total and utter bastards

EVERY broadband company is an absolute shower of shit run by complete bastards, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that despite their bold claims and upbeat marketing, none of the major internet companies was able to provide a service that actually worked.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “I take a particularly dim view of having to spend hours trying to find an internet company’s customer service number because they have deliberately concealed it in the bowels of the internet.

“It’s like trying to return a faulty chair, only to find the shop has moved to Patagonia in a deliberate attempt to avoid you.”

Professor Brubaker also highlighted internet providers encouraging frustrated customers to contact them via instant messenger: “The very astute might see there’s an obvious problem with this if your internet isn’t working.”

He added: “They really are the biggest bunch of bastards. Bloated, tick-like devils to a man.

“I advise not having the internet, it’s shit anyway.”

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Five-man England beats ten-man Estonia

ENGLAND beat a depleted Estonia yesterday despite only having five decent players.

As FIFA rules continue to forbid teams sending out just the good players, England bolstered their line-up with six men selected at random from the UK population.

Hodgson said: “I think the lads did well making sure the likes of Wilshere and Delph didn’t get in the way while they were trying to play football.

“It’s a lot like when your kids offer to help you wash the car – while you appreciate the offer it actually makes the job twice as difficult and it’s an effort to stop yourself telling them to fuck off.”

However the manager warned that the tournament itself may prove challenging, with some countries apparently having access to eleven professional-standard footballers.

Hodgson said: “The Under-21 side produces a footballer once every four years but by the time we’ve got enough of them six of them have retired.

“It’s like painting the Forth Bridge but with lots of people who aren’t very good at painting the Forth Bridge.”