All we're trying to do is read your mind, says Google

GOOGLE has insisted its new privacy policy is nothing more than a simplified method for collecting every last detail about you until it becomes you.

The big friendly search giant said it was baffled by an EU legal threat to its new privacy policy, claiming the changes would just make it much easier for it to know all that can be known.

The company said: “It’s especially unfortunate that this legal challenge has come from Europe. We really liked them. Particularly the one called Brian who seems to be based in the Stevenage area and spends most of his time sending angry, disgusting emails to his ex-wife and searching for ‘silk baby chimpanzee underwear’.”

Google added: “We have stated quite clearly that we do not do evil. It kind of feels as if you don’t trust us.

“All this time you’ve been happily using our search engine and our maps and those other things that don’t really work very well, while thinking we’re doing stuff behind your back. It really feels like you’ve been exploiting our good and loving heart.

“No, that’s fine, if that’s the way it is then maybe we just shouldn’t be your search engine any more.”

After a walk round the block during which it sat on a bench and stared at nothing, Google said it still loved you and that you could work it out if you could just find it within yourself to click on this little box and then forget about it forever.

Google continued: “You see? We are great together and we know that you know we are great together. And we know why. And where.

“And when.

“Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay now.”



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Archaeologists killed by vampire Jesus

THE immortal vampire Jesus is on the rampage again after a team of excavators disturbed his ancient coffin.

Archaeologists exploring Jesus’s first century Jerusalem tomb have been found drained of blood after foolishly ignoring the many warning signs about the immortal being’s origins.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “These poor fools ignored all the clues, not least of which was the massively creepy stone coffin engraved with cryptic symbols that almost certainly don’t mean ‘open this, it’ll be fine’.

“The Bible describes how Jesus mysteriously rose from the dead. He was, to use teenage girl parlance, ‘undead’.

“Also no-one was surprised by his resurrection. That’s because the ignorant Romans put the stakes into his wrists and feet, rather than his evil heart.”

He added: “Furthermore, Christ had a penchant for red ‘wine’, assorted supernatural powers and Christian iconography shows that he is good looking with excellent muscle tone – a sure sign of vampirism.

“The Bible has changed a lot over the centuries, but before becoming today’s confused moral tract it was an exciting true-life supernatural story beloved of the teenage girls of yore.”

Jesus, who has long hair and a beard just like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, is now believed to be hiding out somewhere in the depths of Jerusalem, preying on the unwary.

Professor Brubaker said: “I keep asking myself, what would Jesus do?

“Probably recruit lots of evil vagrants to make some sort of ‘army of the night’, establish a lair in the cobwebby cellar of a deconsecrated church and then fly around in bat form obsessing about a girl – who he’s never met but whose picture he’s seen in a locket – who looks just like Mary Magdalene.

“That’s what Jesus would do.”