Amazon to just put things in your house then force you to pay for them

AMAZON has confirmed plans to put random items in your house that you then have to pay for.

Amazon NoChoice is a new service where non-chosen, non-returnable items arrive overnight, with charges automatically debited from your bank account.

An Amazon spokesman said: “We get into your house in the night – we already have a key – and put things in it.

“You wake up and wonder if they were there yesterday, shrug your shoulders and decide you are past caring, we take the money.

“In case you were wondering, you are already signed up for this. Where did you think that weird lamp came from?”

Householder Mary Fisher said: “This morning I woke up to find a rugby ball, a footballer’s autobiography and 50 bottles of industrial moth spray in my living room.

“If Amazon thinks I want these things, then I suppose I must accept that I do.”

The spokesman added: “If you refuse to pay we’ll imprison you in our Dunfermline ‘fulfilment centre’.

“You think it’s just a massive warehouse. That’s not what it is at all.”

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May to explain Brexit with interpretative dance

THERESA May has promised to give a full and clear explanation of her Brexit plan in the form of a modern dance routine.

The prime minister has created a dance piece in which she uses expressive movement to illustrate issues such as access to the single market.

May said: “I begin by leaping across the stage in a white spandex catsuit to show whether I favour a ‘hard’ Brexit or something more akin to the Norwegian model.

“Then I run around the stage in a fey manner before dropping to the floor and curling up in a ball to symbolise the government’s position on EU fisheries policy.

“I feel the dance will clear up any outstanding questions about Brexit. It should all be perfectly clear to anyone with a basic grasp of EU law and avant-garde choreography.

“The routine continues with me approaching the audience and clawing wildly at the air like a demented cat to clarify our stance on financial passporting rights.

“I’d hoped Philip Hammond would join me on stage to dance some economic growth forecasts, but he was frustratingly reluctant to get into his leotard.”