Any company making a profit is lying

ANY business which claims to be successful is covering up a huge hole in its accounts, analysts have confirmed.

The news follows Tesco’s admission that it had lent £263 million to a mate and then completely forgotten about it.

Business analyst Eleanor Shaw said: “Tesco, Enron, Northern Rock – if you’re doing great business, your shares are flying high and you’ve got plans to expand, you’re lying through your teeth.

“Your finance officer has gone insane juggling eight sets of books at once, your chief executive has just awarded himself a £6 million a year pension and at least 85 per cent of your physical assets simply don’t exist.

“So-called successful businesses are hiding ruinous debts. Businesses that admit they’re struggling, in contrast, are hiding even larger debts.

“Even the bloke running the local corner shop is using a computer glitch to hide the 60,000 boxes of Twixes he has no way of paying for and will be behind bars by the end of the week.”

Business secretary Vince Cable said: “The revelations about Tesco prove that business simply does not work and our whole society is bankrupt.

“So we’re all just going to carry on as normal and wait for the next one. Please pretend to be surprised.”

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Soup claiming to be a full meal

SOUP is continuing to insist it is a main course despite barely functioning as a starter.

The liquid food has rejected calls to accept entrée or drink status because it believes it can make it as a full meal against public opinion.

But diner Wayne Hayes said: “I paid a tenner for that and if anything I’m hungrier.

“Serving it with a chunk of bread and some butter is a giveaway. You wouldn’t catch a proper dinner resorting to that.

“Next it’ll be claiming it’s a dessert too. You wouldn’t get this shit from a bowl of olives. They know their place.”

Nathan Muir, a French onion and sage soup, said: “I refuse to accept second-class status as sustenance for the ill or elderly.

“I can make it into the big leagues. Look at salad. The whole world treats it like it’s the real deal, even though it’s just a bunch of tasteless leaves.”