IPHONE users are set to return to their usual sobbing, foetal state with the release of IOS4.1.
The new operating system promises more inventive ways of reducing phones to an unresponsive lump of plastic costing more than your first car.
Apple obergruppenfuhrer Steve Jobs said: “We calculated that the soul-destroying horror of IOS4 had just started to fade in people’s minds and they were probably starting to piece together the remnants of their shattered lives, so it seemed the perfect time to fuck some shit up.
“New features include a small, mechanical hand that pops out every hour and flips you the bird and a pair of feet that sprint toward the pocket of the nearest mugger.
“It makes your phone look like the 1970s children’s cartoon Ludwig. And yes, the fact that you can’t understand that simile without looking it up on your iPhone was intentional, you dreary scum.”
Iphonologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “This is a continuation of Apple’s protracted campaign to demonstrate just how much they soul-deep hate you. Perversely, the more of their products you buy, the more contempt they have for you.
“If Apple eventually become the real-life equivalent of Cyberdyne Systems – and I’m not suggesting for a single second that they won’t – the Terminators will automatically look like the sleek traffic cop version rather than the lumpy racist one.
“The big difference will be that Apple’s Terminator won’t be compatible with any other machine on the planet, will be covered in deep scratches after eight minutes’ and will run out of battery after 30 seconds of sprinting after John Connor.”
Meanwhile, Martin Bishop has asked his iPhone what he has done to upset it so much. Kneeling outside the Apple store in central London, he cried: “Just yesterday I finally managed to replace all the photos and the phone numbers and was hoping to move on with my life – now you want to destroy it all again. Are you a phone or my ex-wife?”