Women The New Black, Say Police

VULNERABLE women who can’t defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

Autumn collections at police stations across the country will see black men with BMWs ditched in favour of weak, confused women in their late fifties who look just as good being grabbed by the neck or curled up in a terrified ball.

Tom Logan, editor of Harper’s and Truncheon, said: “Women are very in right now. They’re light, flexible and so easy to drag around the floor.

“You can also accessorize by striking them in the face with their own handbags.”

He added: “There are so many wonderful styles. In spring you could have something small and elegant that has made an illegal left turn, while in summer you could go for something in beige linen that has been arguing over change at a supermarket till.

“And in winter, why not brutally assault something heavy and Scottish that has accidentally put its recycling out on the wrong day?”

Logan said police violence fashions were more vibrant and varied than ever.

“Some of the lighter shades of brown are quite interesting while an innocent Brazilian can be spectacular.

“Middle-aged newspaper sellers were a bit of a fad last year, while applying your night stick to some scruffy pacifist can help you achieve that retro, 70s look.

“And of course black will always be useful if you need something to knock the shit out of at the last minute.”


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Pope 'Using UK Taxpayers Like Giant Condom'

THE Pope was last night accused of using British taxpayers to protect himself from non-sexually transmitted bullets.

In advance of his arrival in the UK, Benedict XVI was told to either abstain from visiting, marry Britain and then engage in regular, unprotected visits, or visit the country using the rhythm method.

Family values campaigner, Helen Archer, said: “He is using the taxpayer like a massive latex sheath, protecting himself from gun-borne diseases of the head and chest, while at the same time filling it with his filthy muck.

“As St Paul said in his letter to the Romulans, ‘if thou art filled with desire unto another country then thou must first taketh it as thy spouse and servant under the eyes of the Lord and then visit unto it with all thy heart at least three times a week’.

“‘But if thou would place a barrier between thy spouse and thyself and the essence of thy visiting be cast aside, then the Lord will come unto thee with 40 days and nights of the bad voodoo’.

“‘And if thou art head of a multi-billion dollar organisation then hire your own bodyguards, you freeloading old bastard’.”

The Vatican said Pope Benedict would love to visit Britain without wearing a policeman as it would feel much better for both of us.

But a spokesman added: “He doesn’t want to die from a bit of casual visiting so if there is a simple method of protecting his health it would seem insane not to use it because of a work of fiction written during the Bronze Age.

“Is that so unreasonable?”