Women The New Black, Say Police

VULNERABLE women who can’t defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

That will look gorgeous falling down some stairs

Autumn collections at police stations across the country will see black men with BMWs ditched in favour of weak, confused women in their late fifties who look just as good being grabbed by the neck or curled up in a terrified ball.

Tom Logan, editor of Harper’s and Truncheon, said: “Women are very in right now. They’re light, flexible and so easy to drag around the floor.

“You can also accessorize by striking them in the face with their own handbags.”

He added: “There are so many wonderful styles. In spring you could have something small and elegant that has made an illegal left turn, while in summer you could go for something in beige linen that has been arguing over change at a supermarket till.

“And in winter, why not brutally assault something heavy and Scottish that has accidentally put its recycling out on the wrong day?”

Logan said police violence fashions were more vibrant and varied than ever.

“Some of the lighter shades of brown are quite interesting while an innocent Brazilian can be spectacular.

“Middle-aged newspaper sellers were a bit of a fad last year, while applying your night stick to some scruffy pacifist can help you achieve that retro, 70s look.

“And of course black will always be useful if you need something to knock the shit out of at the last minute.”