BAE In 'Arms For Cash' Scandal

BAE Systems' ethical reputation i under fresh scrutiny after a Daily Mash investigation revealed the company is deeply involved in the international arms trade. 

The Daily Mash can reveal BAE, already mired in a bribery scandal involving Saudi Arabia, is currently offering lots of huge boats with great big guns on them from its base in Scotland.

We phoned BAE's Yarrow shipyard in Glasgow and asked whether they had any large warships for sale "on the off chance", following a tip-off from a member of the public.

Amazingly, we were told we could have a Type 45 destroyer, with delivery miles only, by the weekend for just £330m, as long as we were happy with a grey one.

However, the company said that any other colours, including metallic paint, would result in a four week delay and an extra £10 million.

While we were on the phone they also offered us a nuclear submarine, an atom bomb, a dozen Challenger II tanks, and said they could do us a great deal on some M777 Howitzers, "if we were interested".

When we said we had changed our minds we were offered bribes in the shape of nothing to pay for six months, interest free credit for a year, and £2,000 cash back on the destroyer. 

Armed with this information we contacted Lord Woolf, the former chief justice of England and Wales who has just been appointed to conduct a review of BAE's business ethics.

After putting our detailed revelations of BAE's involvement in the arms trade to him, he said: "What the hell are you on about? Piss off and leave me alone."


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It's War!!! Dutch Intercept Sporran Convoy

SCOTLAND'S invasion of Holland has been postponed indefinitely after the Dutch Navy seized a consignment of 25,000 Scottish infantry sporrans.

The Portuguese-flagged ship carrying the Taiwanese-made sporrans was boarded by Dutch sailors 30 miles off the coast of Denmark.

The sporrans are now being held in the basement of the Dutch Military Intelligence HQ in the Hague.

The Scottish infantry has struggled to find a sporran supplier after the production of home-grown sporrans ground to a halt as rival firms sued each other over Ministry of Defence contracts.

Defence analyst Julian Cook said: "Scotland's military is effectively paralysed without sporrans."

He added: "Anyone who has seen Carry on up the Khyber will know that the sporran in an integral part of the Scottish soldier's armoury.

"The Khasi of Kalabar was as frightened of the sporrans as that which lay underneath."

A spokesman for First Minister Alex Salmond said: "We're prepared for the worst. These people defile tulips as a matter of course. Imagine what they could do to a defenceless sporran."