Banknotes to be kept delicious

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves. 

Despite complaints from vegetarians, the Bank has promised to continue making new banknotes out of edible polymers and mouth-watering animal fats, triple-cooked and served fresh and delicious.

Chairman Mark ‘Canada Style’ Carney said: “Our targets are to keep inflation under two per cent, monitor the UK’s debt burden and to keep sterling mouth-wateringly tasty.

“Our Jane Austen tenner is a gastronomic experience every Briton should treat themselves to – try it with the Cajun salt – and the Churchill fiver remains the patriotic portion everyone can afford.

“We pride ourselves on making the most delectable cash in Europe, if not the world. Post-Brexit our currency should be backed against dry-cured bacon instead of gold.

“Mmmm, cash.”

Wayne Hayes of Swindon said: “I’m not ashamed to say I’ve eaten my fair share of fivers.

“What’s the point of queuing in Greggs for a pasty when you can just tuck into a grubby five pound note and wash it down with a handful of change? Cut out the middle man.”