Banknotes to be kept delicious

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves. 

Despite complaints from vegetarians, the Bank has promised to continue making new banknotes out of edible polymers and mouth-watering animal fats, triple-cooked and served fresh and delicious.

Chairman Mark ‘Canada Style’ Carney said: “Our targets are to keep inflation under two per cent, monitor the UK’s debt burden and to keep sterling mouth-wateringly tasty.

“Our Jane Austen tenner is a gastronomic experience every Briton should treat themselves to – try it with the Cajun salt – and the Churchill fiver remains the patriotic portion everyone can afford.

“We pride ourselves on making the most delectable cash in Europe, if not the world. Post-Brexit our currency should be backed against dry-cured bacon instead of gold.

“Mmmm, cash.”

Wayne Hayes of Swindon said: “I’m not ashamed to say I’ve eaten my fair share of fivers.

“What’s the point of queuing in Greggs for a pasty when you can just tuck into a grubby five pound note and wash it down with a handful of change? Cut out the middle man.”

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Scottish Conservatives announce Tory T in the Park

THE Scottish Conservative Party has announced that they will hold a Tory T In The Park to rival Tory Glastonbury.

The festival will combine the alcohol intake, casual violence and general indifference to music of a typical T In The Park with the values that have made the Scottish Conservatives so successful.

Stephen Malley, Tory MP for Fife North East, said: “We’re still talking tops off, lagered up, dancing to the Prodigy regardless of if they’re actually performing or even on the bill.

“But we’ll bring to the party a powerful hatred of the Yes vote, nationalism that’s UK-centric rather than just Scottish, and of course our traditional xenophobia.

“Expect lots of metal bands, drugs at pharmaceutical standard, and approximately 130,000 neds being converted to lifelong Tory party support.”

Regular T In The Park attendee Bill ‘Big Billy’ McKay said: “Aye, Tories, right enough.

“It’s no a problem for me. I’ll headbutt anybody.”