Banks Call For Mervyn King To Be Broken Up

BRITAIN'S biggest banks last night called for Mervyn King to be broken up into lots of little bits.

The companies say the Bank of England Governor is now 'too big to keep his fucking trap shut' and should be taken apart with either a chainsaw or a machete.

A spokesman for the British Bankers Association said: "I know a Bulgarian chap who'll do it for about sixty quid.

"He'd bung all the bits in some Tesco bags and then all we would have to do is chuck them in a skip. Or we could feed the chunks into a Magimix and then flush it all down the loo."

He added: "To paraphrase Churchill, 'Madam, if you were my wife, I would spank you across the back of the head with a heavy pan and then dismember you in the bath'."

But City analysts remain divided over the extent to which Mr King should be chopped to pieces by a cut-price Bulgarian gangster.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "A large unreformed Mervyn King will continue to make long, depressing speeches that carry the very real risk of people wanting to kill themselves by the time he's finished.

"If we all want to carry on as if nothing has happened – and I'm pretty sure that we do – then it is vital we allow Mr Petrov to go about his grisly business."

But Bill McKay, research director at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I'm not opposed to a functioning Mervyn King, however I believe that any reforms should at least address the possibility of whipping out his voice box and lopping off his arms.

"It's very difficult to do sign language with your feet."

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm 29 and still a virgin. It's not through lack of trying – I'd dearly love to get my kicks from something more interactive than a poster of Hugh Grant and an Oral-B 500, but I simply can't pluck up the courage to talk to a real man. Every time I get chatted up I get all nervous and start looking for the nearest exit. How can I learn to keep my cool and hold a conversation with the opposite sex?

Dear Isobel,
First of all, I am very glad to hear you are looking after your teeth. As for boys, if you ask me you're better off not associating with them at all. Unless, of course, you like the idea of rating the sound and smell of your own pumps, or sliding across highly polished floors on your knees for hours, or making rude sounds by cupping your hand under your armpit. Anyone who derives pleasure from collecting conkers and marbles and dried dog poops for no apparent reason does not possess the higher brain functions and will only try to look up your skirt or show you their tinkle the moment you try to initiate any kind of intellectual conversation. My advice is to steer clear of boys completely and instead hone your social skills with a nice teddy bears' tea party.
Hope that helps!