Banks told to stop being so obsessed with money

THE government last night urged mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time. 

The Treasury advised banks to chill out and lower rates because their customers are not responding to the stern line they are taking, and these delicate flowers need to be nurtured lest they lose all their lovely petals. 

A spokesman said: “What’s wrong with the old rates, like two per cent? People loved those. Why not play the classics? 

“And stop taking people’s houses away. It’s, like, where they live? So what if they signed legally binding contracts to pay you without fail every month? Why are you so obsessed with money? It’s really ugly and it makes people not want to be around you.”

Economist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “I am slightly concerned the Treasury does not appear to know what mortgage lenders actually do. 

“Unless they are able to lend at profitable rates, collect that money in full and if necessary reposess houses to recover their investment, they’re really nothing more than some headed notepaper and men in suits sitting around closing branches.”

Jeremy Hunt insisted: “We all need to recalibrate our humanity. Property is just a state of mind.”

A spokesman for the Natwest replied: “No it’s not.”

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Obama White House Will Not Be Filled With Ganja, Says Powell

FORMER US Secretary of State Colin Powell last night reassured white voters that Barak Obama's Oval Office will not be filled with the thick fug of ganja cigarettes.

The retired four star general insisted Obama could also be trusted not to steal anything from the executive mansion.

Powell's intervention is expected to reassure middle America that Obama has a strong father figure in his life who will try to get down to the White House at least every other weekend.

The former chairman of the joint chiefs of staff said: "Obama's a good boy. He ain't gonna steal nothin' from no Oval Office. Yessir.

"I told him, 'you smoke them reefer cigarettes and the police is gonna have a fine time with you. A fine time'.

"I said, 'I don't wanna see you sittin' on the steps of no White House, gettin' toasted and hollerin' at all them young women. I will give you a righteous ass whuppin'. You can count on that'."

Republican John McCain said he respected the decision, adding that Powell was a wise man who had been carrying his golf clubs for more than 25 years.

But Lyle Logan, a 59 year-old white voter from Kentucky, said: "How'd that niggra git to be a general anyhow?"