Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money

THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

Chief secretary to the Treasury, Yvette Cooper, said she wanted the banks to think of their customers as delicate flowers that need to be nurtured or they could lose all their lovely petals and die.

She added: "Stop taking people's houses away. It's, like, where they live, you know?

"So what if they signed a legally binding contract agreeing to pay you without fail every month? Why are you so obsessed with money? It's really ugly and it makes me not want to be around you."

Dr Roy Hobbs, an economist at Leeds University, said: "I am slightly concerned the second-in-command at the Treasury does not appear to know what mortgage lenders actually do.

"Unless they are able to collect money every month from the mortgage holders and, if necessary, repossess the house in order to recover the loan, they're really nothing more than some headed notepaper and a lot of people sitting around playing Tetris."

Cooper insisted: "We all need to recalibrate our humanity. Property is just a state of mind."

A spokesman for the Royal Bank of Scotland said: "No it's not."

Obama White House Will Not Be Filled With Ganja, Says Powell

FORMER US Secretary of State Colin Powell last night reassured white voters that Barak Obama's Oval Office will not be filled with the thick fug of ganja cigarettes.

The retired four star general insisted Obama could also be trusted not to steal anything from the executive mansion.

Powell's intervention is expected to reassure middle America that Obama has a strong father figure in his life who will try to get down to the White House at least every other weekend.

The former chairman of the joint chiefs of staff said: "Obama's a good boy. He ain't gonna steal nothin' from no Oval Office. Yessir.

"I told him, 'you smoke them reefer cigarettes and the police is gonna have a fine time with you. A fine time'.

"I said, 'I don't wanna see you sittin' on the steps of no White House, gettin' toasted and hollerin' at all them young women. I will give you a righteous ass whuppin'. You can count on that'."

Republican John McCain said he respected the decision, adding that Powell was a wise man who had been carrying his golf clubs for more than 25 years.

But Lyle Logan, a 59 year-old white voter from Kentucky, said: "How'd that niggra git to be a general anyhow?"