THE government last night urged mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.
The Treasury advised banks to chill out and lower rates because their customers are not responding to the stern line they are taking, and these delicate flowers need to be nurtured lest they lose all their lovely petals.
A spokesman said: “What’s wrong with the old rates, like two per cent? People loved those. Why not play the classics?
“And stop taking people’s houses away. It’s, like, where they live? So what if they signed legally binding contracts to pay you without fail every month? Why are you so obsessed with money? It’s really ugly and it makes people not want to be around you.”
Economist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “I am slightly concerned the Treasury does not appear to know what mortgage lenders actually do.
“Unless they are able to lend at profitable rates, collect that money in full and if necessary reposess houses to recover their investment, they’re really nothing more than some headed notepaper and men in suits sitting around closing branches.”
Jeremy Hunt insisted: “We all need to recalibrate our humanity. Property is just a state of mind.”
A spokesman for the Natwest replied: “No it’s not.”