Bannatyne invests £250,000 in the Reggae-Reggae Arm-Breaker

SCARY dragon Duncan Bannatyne last night said he was ‘in’ for 30 per cent of a funky device that breaks people’s arms.

The incredibly unnerving millionaire was convinced by a ‘Dragon’s Den’ pitch from entrepreneur and former nightclub doorman, Wayne Hayes.

Hayes’ prototype is fashioned from a specially adapted Ikea Poang chair fitted with four 16lb hammers and eight bed springs and is powered by an ordinary car battery, or can be plugged into the mains.

Small speakers in the chair play UB40 songs so the victims can imagine they are having their arms broken as the sun sets on a palm-fringed Caribbean beach.  

Hayes, also known as ‘Fucked-Up Wayne’ and the ‘Hatfield Bastard’ said: “There is a huge market for the Reggae-Reggae Arm-Breaker, particularly among deeply menacing tycoons who want to hunt people down and do appaling things to them in the back room of a disused abattoir.”

“Mr Bannatyne is very enthusiastic about the franchising opportunities, but does want me to fit it with bigger hammers and a power saw.”

Bannatyne, who has been watching The Long Good Friday over and over again for the last 24 hours, said: “The only good grass is the grass that works for me.

“Razors – cut ‘im.”

Hayes added: “If the Reggae-Reggae Arm-Breaker works then we hope to expand the market with the Rastaman Spine Crusher 2000 and Wayne and Duncan’s Funky Ball Mangler.”


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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power away your fears.

ASIDE from restraining orders and a lack of cartilage in my left knee, the thing that has held me back more than anything else is fear.

And what is fear? Fear is nothing but scaredness in another word. Overcome fear and in some organisations you get a badge you can sew onto clothing. So how did I overcome fear and how do you do it? How do you start living your life to maximum badge-worthy potential?

I had to shoot a Labrador to overcome my fears. It let my then business partner know what I was capable of, but it might not be so simple for you. First you have to understand the difference between thoughts and feelings.

A handsome friend of mine said: “Morris I’m not going for that intercontinental ballistic missile design job anymore.” “Why not, it’s well paid and I hear the Christmas parties at BAE are off the hook,” I replied. “Because I know nothing about aeronautical physics and I’m scared they’ll find out what I’ve written on my CV is a lie,” he said. “Okay you’re annoying me. What you’ve written on your CV is just thoughts, but how do you feel about designing missiles?” He thought for a moment and replied: “I feel cool, I’ve got some ace ideas for warheads and shit.” He showed me some sketches. “These look deadly, I’d fire them off. Seriously, don’t listen to your fears, these do look cool, is that supposed to be an antenna?” “Yeah, it’s an antenna for picking up steering directions and so forth,” he explained.

Did he get the job? I don’t know, I didn’t follow up, so it’s not important, but the point is he went for the interview. Why? Because I showed him the difference between irrational fears and actually going for a job that wouldn’t be boring to talk about at dinner parties. I also showed him you have to believe in yourself and it’s wise to get a second opinion from a positive person who thinks attitude is qualification you can’t just write on a so-called ‘CV’.

Fear can hold us back in so many areas of life like love, business or watching The Ring. Every time I get scared I think what am I missing out on if I don’t do this and realistically could anyone trace it back to me?


Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Stop Being A Pussy, Honestly It’s Annoying: Business Advice For Chickens.